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    Hummusapien » home decor » I Have Been Changed For Good

    I Have Been Changed For Good

    Published Mar 9, 2017 · Modified Mar 5, 2022 · by Alexis Joseph · 112 Comments

    You've probably noticed the blog content has shifted a bit lately; and now I want to explain why. If you only read one thing I write this year, I hope it's this.

    Alexis_Full-14

    I've had a weird past couple of months. I've questioned a lot of things. Is all of this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? What do I actually enjoy? What is my purpose? What am I promoting? Who was I when this all started? And who have I become?

    I, like a lot of bloggers, started this space as a passion project. I loved to write and I loved to eat, so I combined the two and made a blog about it. I didn't start it with the hopes of it becoming a business. It just kind of...did. While that may seem ideal, the obvious end goal for anyone that starts a blog, it's truly not. When your passion becomes your career, when your financial well being depends on the very thing that tugs at your heart strings, it will be forever changed.

    In short, I feel like somewhere along the way I lost some meaning in all of this. Do I not get the same satisfaction I used to by posting a recipe? Sometimes I feel like I'm just checking off a box. I could write about my deep dark thoughts on so many different things that you'd probably love to hear my perspective on, but turning to recipes is more familiar. More calculated.

    It has become somewhat routine. Like oh shit, it's Sunday and I haven't written any posts for the week and all I want to do is eat pancakes and not write about them.

    I function, I thrive, on meaning in my work. I live my passion every day. When I don't feel inspired, I can't write. I won't write. If I get home late from work and don't feel like blogging, I don't. That's not inspired me and you don't want to read words from un-inspired me. That's who built this beautiful space and I won't settle for less.

    That doesn't mean I'm only writing when I'm super happy. That's not real life. For example, I feel super inspired right now but perhaps not as positive as I usually feel. I'm feeling those feelings and I'm very ok sharing them with you today.

    I read in Big Magic recently about grabbing on to creativity as it comes to you. You never know when it's coming, but you know when it hits you. It hit me hard last week and that's what engendered this post. I was eating some ice cream when it suddenly dawned on me that I had to tell you this realization. The inspiration melted all over me and I haven't stopped typing since.

    I'm the kind of person that's always looking for the next thing. I want to live a life of creativity, joy, anticipation, and excitement. It's no surprise that after over five years I'm feeling a bit lost. And lost is the best way to describe how I've been feeling in more parts of my life than one. I need new meaning. I need to be re-inspired.

    Let's rewind for a second and reflect on the loss of purpose. I feel like 2016 was the year of hyper-focusing on healthy eating. I watched so many women fall madly and deeply in love with healthy food like I did five years ago but something was different. They took it a step too far. They went from health conscious to health obsessed. There were orthorexia red flags everywhere. People in my very profession, dietitians, people in school for nutrition, people blogging the healthy recipes you make at home, were emailing me asking for help with their eating disorders.

    Who am I? What have we become? Did I fuel this problem? Are these social networks a platform for disordered eating? Do I even want to eat this way? Are we as "healthy living bloggers" perpetuating orthorexia? Is my blog fueling the fire?

    Davida asked me on her podcast last week if I thought we were part of the problem, if we were perpetuating the healthy eating obsession. I replied without hesitation, "yes."

    I'd be lying if I said I haven't visualized writing a post about the end for the blog. Is that weird? I love Hummusapien more than anything but it's like this guilty pleasure thought of not having to deal with this health bubble I'm in anymore. Not having to keep up with Jones' on social media, or keep up with anyone for that matter. Not having to endure the daily scroll through three billion perfectly arranged smoothie bowls with a quarter of a crushed granola bar and a weirdly perfect fanned strawberry. I feel a lot of pressure. I feel it every day. I feel that it has changed me, and maybe you, in some of the best ways and maybe even a couple of the worst.

    I'm not trying to blame anyone's eating disorder on myself or you or someone else. There's no blame to be had here. It's a devastating disease. These issues are complicated are multi-faceted. I know we all started healthy living blogs with the best intentions to inspire everyone around us.

    We loved food and wanted to personify our passions. Now some the people that started back when I did sometimes feel...over it. Maybe we don't want to be called "food bloggers." We have things in our lives we actually care about way more than what we're having for lunch. We have all evolved. It's a natural part of life. I'm not who I was in college and I'm not now who I will be in ten years. The content on our blogs and social media is starting to shift. We may have contributed to an epidemic of obsessive healthy eating, but we sure as hell aren't going to watch it crash and burn.

    Alexis_Full-8

    You know when you're younger and you see a famous person on a magazine cover and think, "Wow, she's so pretty!" Nothing less, nothing more. There's no judgement, bitterness or jealousy.  It's like a toddler eating his or her lunch and simply stopping when he or she is full. It's easy and intuitive and not riddled with anxiety and decisions. That's how the blog and social media world used to be to me.

    It was all very innocent. I was just posting recipes that less than a hundred people read. I was just excited about eating plants and preventing disease. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into---the good or the bad. It's funny looking back to 2013 when I wrote Life Lessons: On Beer and Kale, in 2014 when I wrote On Being Too Healthy, and later that year when I wrote On Being Human. The spark was always inside me, but I feel like I couldn't eloquently express what I was trying to say to everyone until now.

    Years passed, views increased, and all the while I started noticing how many people were suffering from the obsession that we as bloggers and influencers accidentally helped proliferate. I watched the people behind large accounts unfold their stories with disordered eating. From the outside, I'm sure I seemed totally health obsessed, too.

    Now I'm watching as young girls, young me's and young you's, turn their passion for health into an obsession. Into an illness. Into a third cup of oats with PB2 on top for breakfast and toast for lunch. They can't remember what hunger feels like because everything is a number. How did we get here? Are we, am I, part of the problem? And more importantly, how can we all contribute to the solution?

    "I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return. Well I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you."

    As I wrote this I was listening to my favorite Wicked songs "For Good" and "Defying Gravity" and I felt like I was listening to my brain sing its thoughts. "Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through playing by the rules of someone else's game. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap."

    I really feel like you all and this blog came into my life for a reason. I know I've grown in wild and wonderful ways because of it. It has taught me, it has changed me, so much. Hell, it's a gigantic part of who I am. "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe that I've been changed for the better."

    I said it before and I'll say it again: I know we all had the best intentions. We still do. But I recognize the positive and negative influence we've had, the intentional and the accidental. So I'm here to be part of the solution. I've found newfound meaning in working with people that are struggling with the issues I keep talking about. I'm here to undo any unintentional damage that was done, on behalf of this entire community. On behalf of the tens of thousands of credentialed health professionals and self-identified health "experts" who have no idea they've done anything wrong by posting little salads with dressing on the side, we are sorry. We are sorry if we painted an unrealistic picture of unattainable, unhealthy health.

    For the times you thought lunch meant kale salads and breakfast meant lean green smoothies. For the times you thought you didn't deserve dessert. For the times you felt proud for going to bed hungry. For the times you thought, "she ate that, so I should, too." I'm here to undo it. We're here to undo it.

    I want to prove that anyone and everyone can find so much joy in eating, plant-based or not. And for the record, I do not believe that plant-based diets have to be restricting if it's for the right reasons. More on that in another post. Even though I never suffered personally from an eating disorder, immersing myself in intuitive eating education (thanks Kylie and Robyn!) and working with clients who are struggling has unleashed in me this invigorating new sense of purpose, passion and freedom. It's that inspiration you can physically feel. When I don't feel like working out, I don't. And I don't think twice about it. When I want ice cream or donuts, I eat what I want and I stop when I'm satisfied. Everyone deserves to know how incredible that feels.

    I feel like I was lost and now I'm found. I finally feel at peace.

    I am more than a food blogger. You are more than a meal plan. Eating disorders are real. This has been a long time coming.

    Let's make 2017 our year. Let's make the over-obsession with healthy eating uncool. This is the year of self love, of joy, of confidence. Of donuts.

    "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

    * * *

    Photography: Photo 243

    About Alexis Joseph


    Oh HEY there! I'm Alexis Joseph, food writer, blogger, Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN), new mama, and co-founder of local restaurant group, Alchemy. I use my passion for cooking and wellness as fuel to help others ignite a more freeing and happy relationship with food.

    Learn more about Alexis!

    5 Secrets to Delish, Healthy Lunches

    Reader Interactions

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    1. Teresa says

      July 12, 2018 at 1:39 pm

      Hi Alexis.
      Thank you for this. I started a blog back in 2009. It was so fun for a while, but because of many things going on in my life, I loss my inspiration and couldn't seem to figure out where to go from there. I also started having anxiety about my written words. I felt judgement and fear, even though I wasn't getting that from anyone. There's a part of me that wants to put it all out there and possibly help people in the process, but there's a part that is terrified to do that. As a lifelong IBD sufferer, mom, divorcee, new marriage, adult stepsons, and having a child with severe depression, there's so much to write about and discuss. Your post helped me to feel that it's okay to shift gears as we grown and gain understanding and self-reflect. I applaud your bravery. Good luck with it all.
      Teresa

      Reply
    2. dawn says

      December 30, 2017 at 10:02 am

      Fantastic read.. Very on point.. But please.. information for a health conscious world is just that information... People take that information and apply it... you cannot stop the reactions to an action... You have good intent.. and I love your Blog... and I read/ use ideas from yours and many blogs to try out new techniques as a chef... Vegetable emphasis is truly a blooming area of the chef world.... Do not be discouraged by the full range of an action... your health consciousness and passion is very apparent and very intoxicating... Breathe in... priorities come first Family.. self... health... Breathe out... inform... discuss... experiment... you got this girl... Cant wait for the next read

      Reply
    3. Maryea {Happy Healthy Mama} says

      April 25, 2017 at 11:13 am

      All right girl, this comment is going to be long, so be ready! 🙂 I've been thinking about this since you first posted this, and a couple of your other posts that have shown your shift in perspective. Let me start by saying I appreciate what you're saying and where you're coming from. But I also want to give you some perspective from a slightly older demographic. 🙂 When I was growing up and in college, fat was the enemy. I had friends who would eat Saltine crackers sprayed with fake butter spray and sincerely thought they were eating what was best for their body. Avocados or peanut butter? Nobody wanted to eat those because of the fat content. But Hersey's chocolate syrup? That was healthy because it didn't have fat. Nobody knew anything about sugar being bad for you. Nobody understood the negative impact eating mostly processed foods could have on your health.

      The change in mindset and understanding of the power of whole foods, all foods, including those with fat, has been very gradual. I sincerely believe that eating whole foods would not have become as mainstream and normalized as it is now without blogs like yours or mine. So please, while yes there is an extreme on the other side, remember the GOOD you have done by showing what you eat on Instagram, etc. You are helping educate people who don't know about nutrition and healthy living. And please don't stop touting the importance of eating healthy foods because there's still so much work to be done. You live in a world that is surrounded by ultra-healthy people, but that is NOT the reality in most of the USA. You work at Alchemy and live in a healthy living blog world where you see one side of the coin, but the other side is very much a reality for a lot of people. You make it sound like the majority of people are obsessed with healthy eating, but I see the opposite where I live. I'm still considered a bit of a weirdo health nut (although much less so in the last few years--people are learning! It's a good thing!!) for how I eat and I know nobody who is orthorexic. Not one person.

      In one post you mentioned how the rest of the world just enjoys food unlike Americans. I don't have a ton of experience with people all over the world, but I do have one friend who moved to Italy and has lived there for 5 or so years now. She has had a very different experience than what you describe. She is constantly shamed for her body (they don't think she's thin enough) and what she eats. She said Italian women eat very little and shame people who eat "too much." Just thought I'd share her experience as it paints a different picture.

      Now onto the whole Food Babe topic and the unicorn frapp. I agree that the Food Babe can be out of control ridiculous in her tactics and fear mongering is not cool. BUT. I have to say that I appreciate some of what she's done. She's brought awareness to the mainstream. We don't have to be obsessed with every little thing we put in our bodies, but I love that Kraft mac and cheese now used natural coloring. That never would have happened without her. Every parent can't afford Annie's organic and it's not fair that they should have to feed their kids artificial food dyes just because it's cheaper. I sincerely doubt the unicorn frapp would have been naturally colored without the Food Babe's past work. So yes, her tactics are extreme and not my style, but I am happy that I can now take my kids to Panera and not have to worry about having HFCS or food dyes or harmful additives in what they are eating. For the record, I don't obsess about it...they eat food dyes on occasion and HFCS and donuts or whatever. But it comes back to the education piece. Not everyone even knows that artificial food dyes are neurotoxins or certain additives are known carcinogens and as a result feed them to their kids on the daily. They don't understand how quickly sugar adds up and how it's linked to every major disease. I know two kids who have battled brain cancer in the past few years. One lost the battle and one is still fighting. I lost two family members to cancer in just the last six months. This is important stuff and educating people is not a bad thing.

      I am leaving this comment just so you see another perspective. I do love your balanced approach, so please know I'm not speaking out against that. I love you and your blog and will continue to read as long as you write. 🙂 xoxo

      Reply
    4. Ashey V says

      April 05, 2017 at 9:25 am

      Thanks so much for this post! Back in the midst of my orthorexia, every "health food" blogger was a problem. I know they all, like you, had good intentions. Of course they did. Unfortunately, I only saw the body they had that I wanted and what they were eating, so that's what I focused on. I had my eating down to a science (down to the hour I could eat my daily snack--an apple). I've turned a corner, for sure, but I'm human and surrounded by women (I work in education) who are still focused on calories, macros, and feeling like they earned the right to finish all of the food on their plate since they worked out hard enough. Just this morning I looked into macros, calculated them for breakfast, and immediately deleted the app because it took a lifetime to calculate, and the app told me to eat what I think is an obscenely low calorie count (having not counted calories in years, I don't have any clue how much I eat, so I don't actually know if it was low, medium, or high compared to my normal). Anyway, thanks for your honesty and your great thoughts!

      Reply
    5. Aliz says

      April 04, 2017 at 7:32 pm

      Donuts!!!

      Reply
    6. Emma says

      April 03, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      I love this! I have fantasized about cutting off my Instagram page for good and just having it be for family etc. but I love food and taking pictures of it and inspiring others to eat fun and healthy foods and help people realize that eating healthy doesn't mean just steamed broccoli and chicken. i've been fantasizing about creating a cooking school where it helps women enjoy eating food again (this happened after I noticed a woman next to me who ordered only steamed broccoli at a vegan restaurant in L.A.) and working with women on body positivity. I hear way too often "Ugh I ate too many carbs last night and now I need to work out 2x as long." When did we start punishing ourselves for celebrating birthdays and weddings? And yes, I have done this a million times, too so I am not judging, I just get so sad when I hear it from other women. It's great recognizing how we evolve as we are exposed to new experiences.
      P.S. Thanks for giving me this space to ramble!

      Reply
    7. Mariah says

      March 28, 2017 at 10:12 pm

      I loved reading every word of this. I feel like I am getting into the wellness blogging world just as it's starting to shift and it's an interesting experience for me. I am wanting to go into my blogging experience with this kind of mindset and awareness about how healthy eating can become obsessive and how MENTAL health is health too!! I'm so glad you're talking about this! Love!

      Reply
      • Alexis says

        March 29, 2017 at 6:33 pm

        Thank God you're catching the shift! I'm thrilled you feel more self-aware 🙂 It's so important to spread the right kind of message.

        Reply
    8. Kathryn Pond says

      March 23, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      best. post. ever

      Reply
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