This week’s What I Ate Wednesday is a bit different. I would like to dedicate this post to National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, for it is something that I hold heavy on my heart. Intertwined with my daily eats is a very personal story I’ve never shared until now.
Anorexia. Ha. I thought my doctor was joking. I scoffed and, with an ounce of irritation in my voice, replied “…no. I love food. I eat. A LOT. I LOVE food.”
About a year ago, I was diagnosed with a special form of anorexia. My immediate reaction was a hard “no.” Stuff like that doesn’t happen to me. Kendall King isn’t one of those weird girls with crazy mental issues who starves herself to the bone for no good reason. Kendall King is strong, successful, smart, creative, and driven. Kendall King does not get eating disorders. The thing is though, girls with eating disorders aren’t weird girls with crazy mental issues who starve themselves to the bone for no good reason. They’re my peers, my friends. They are good, compassionate women. They are me.
My anorexia didn’t take the normal form of what most people think of as “not eating.” The fact is I ate regularly. I always ate breakfast within a half hour of waking up, a lunch, a dinner, and snacks. I initially took the visit to my doctor because I had been feeling fatigued and getting sick constantly for months. Before, my body rarely ever got sick, but it seemed like every time a doctor put me on strong antibiotics I was sick again within days of completing the course of meds.
After a lot of blood tests and multiple discussions with different specialists, my doctor had come to the very real conclusion that it wasn’t the fact that I was restricting in the amount of food, I was restricting in the form of nutrients. It was explained to me that the type of food I was eating did not compensate with the amount of exercise and daily activity I was doing. They also discovered that I was anemic, and my prolonged eating habits had whacked-out my hormone levels. A perfect storm. Within a span of three days and four medical appointments, I had become one of the thousands of strong, successful, smart, creative, driven girls who suffered from an eating disorder.
I decided, with the help of my parents, that in order to take care of myself I needed to leave the last few weeks of spring semester. I was able to complete all of my courses remotely (OSU Student Advocacy, you’re a bunch of beautiful people) and start tackling my issues. During this time I talked to multiple ED specialists as well as many other people my age suffering from their own disorders. The experiences they shared I will carry with me always.
My freshman year of college was rough. I was attending a university that I wasn’t enjoying, questioning my sense of belonging, and on top of it all going through a huge, messy breakup. This made type-A, perfectionist me extremely uncomfortable. To me, I had gone from the badass golden girl who everyone loved, who had the perfect test scores, who played all of the sports, who had been accepted by one of the best private violin professors in Cleveland at age 13, to a girl who was alone and a complete mess. While my academic life, social life, and love life felt out of control, I found control in food.
I had always been passionate about whole food and healthy living. My mom taught me to keep my body healthy not with chemicals and medications, but with natural and nutritional foods. Unfortunately, in a time of high stress and feelings of vulnerability, I turned my passion for eating delicious, wholesome food into a strict measure of success and slowly started imposing unrealistic food rules and guidelines on myself.
Over the course of a year and a half, I had labeled multiple food groups as “unhealthy.” I started eating less grains, less dairy, less amazing fruits because of sugar levels, no eggs because of cholesterol, or no peanut butter because of fats. If I broke a food rule, say had an extra piece of cake, the next few days would be stricter in the types of foods I would allow myself to eat in order to “make up for my mistake.” As absolutely ridiculous actually talking about this sounds, if I couldn’t be perfect in other aspects of my life, I could be perfect in my meal plan. Unknowingly, these food guidelines weren’t giving me the vitamins, nutrients, or enough calories that my body needed, and my body fell into a restrict-binge cycle where these seemingly random binges gave me more stress and anxiety than I have ever felt
Within a couple months of working with ED specialists to realign my food values, reintroduce great foods I had labeled “bad” (hello, pizza!!!), and working tooth and nail on myself, my sick symptoms started to leave, and I started to feel ALIVE again. I was happier, my skin brighter, my hair stronger, and the stress that had been consuming me for a year and a half was actually melting away.
Anorexia opened my eyes to a huge issue. Eating disorders are real and orthorexia, an obsession with eating only healthy foods, is real. Being a college-aged woman, I look around me and see too many eating disorders. And if it’s not necessarily an eating disorder, there sure is a hell of a lot of disordered eating. People are under so much pressure. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others, and these comparisons make us feel like no matter what we do we’re never enough—that we could somehow be more. It’s these types of notions that feed eating disorders.
It doesn’t help that other successful and “healthy” women on social media are constantly posting photos of their meals. Don’t get me wrong…I love social media, especially Instagram. I think it can be a great way to show creativity, be spunky, and share ideas. Where we get in trouble is when, too often, these photos come with an unsaid, underlying promise. A promise being that if you act, dress, and eat like them, then you can also be successful, healthy, have a boss-ass job, a beautiful husband who loves playing with your Gerber baby, and spend your free time taking beautiful photos of your pristine apartments and creamy lattes (dairy-free, of course) like them.
I’m so freaking sick of seeing pictures of small bowls of steamed vegetables, a few chunks of tofu, or chicken, and a “treat” in the form of a small veganpaleoglutenfreegrainfreenogmonoaddedsugar no-bake cookie being sprawled across my insta feed every day. That is not eating, not enjoying, and not a life I want to live.
Girls with eating disorders aren’t weirdos. They’re girls like me: a girl who, in a time of high stress and feelings of vulnerability, turned her passion for eating delicious, wholesome food into a strict measure of success. I have come out on the other side. The fact that I had an eating disorder does not define me or make me less of a treasure. I know now what it means for me to be healthy. I have felt strength come back to my body that I haven’t felt for three years. I still work out regularly, and I’m busier than I have ever been. The difference is I am fueling and nourishing my body, not simply sustaining it. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t have a whole damn avocado, a bunch of grains, chocolate, and HELLA peanut butter. And it’s frickin awesome.
Do what feels good. Move your body regularly and fill it with delicious, wholesome food. Eat your veggies and eat your pizza. Eat your veggies ON your pizza, and for the love of God enjoy your extra piece of cake. Like our fearless Hummusapien leader said in a post last week, we are (way way way) more than our meal plan.
Finally, to quote a beautiful illustration I saw today, “eat what you want. If anyone lectures you about it, eat them too.” I think that is important.
XOXO, Kendall
P.S. Those dreamy cookies are these Raspberry Thumbprint Cookies except with dark chocolate chips since I always crave chocolate. Literally the best things I’ve popped in my mouth like ever. + Photo of us fan-girling a smoothie bowl at Alchemy by the ever talented Summer Cartwright.
katherine says
How brave to write this. You deserve so much credit for the work you’ve done to recover and for sharing your story. Thank you!
Kendall says
Thank you so much for reading, Katherine! It’s been a lot of leaps of faith, but so worth it.
Elizabeth says
I feel you, Kendall. Thanks for putting this out there.
I was never diagnosed, but used food restriction in a similar way for two very stressful years of my life and without realizing it, ended up “eating vegan during the week,” restricting/bingeing, and weighing an obscenely low amount for my height and body type. The sick part was, I was so proud of that number. I’ve come around to casting out most of my ways, but I do wish I had seen someone in the height of my disordered eating.
THANK YOU also for your perfect articulation of the instagram scene. MOST WOMEN DO NOT HAVE ABS. I like my soft, healthy body, which I work out regularly but gently, thank you very much!
Kendall says
So many absolutely amazing women are plagued by food restrictions and rules. Thank you so much for reading and have the happiest weekend :)
Jen says
Thank you for sharing! I can completely relate.
Kendall says
Thank you for reading, Jen! Have the happiest Thursday + weekend.
Mina says
Thank you for sharing your story!
Kendall says
Thank you so much for reading, Mina!
Erin Phillips says
I absolutely love this post! It takes a lot to open up and share a story like this, because you never know how others will respond and it is hard to admit to yourself. You are so strong and beautiful for writing about this, and this will help so many others realize that they may be going through the same thing. I went through the same thing a few years ago, and still feel as if I am too strict on myself about Foods because I am constantly comparing myself to other food bloggers. In reality, we are all different people. What may work for one person may not work for another, so we need to focus on ourselves and listening to our own bodies, instead of looking to others to tell us how to eat or look. I love this post and I love this blog and I love you guys: you guys are such role models to me, and if I didn’t have this blog and others during my eating disorder, I don’t think I would have found my freedom with food. Thank you for being so courageous and strong and sharing this!
Miranda says
Beautiful post!
Kendall says
Thanks so much, Miranda!
Shannon says
I have never connected more to a post in my life. Thank you for sharing your story- you are amazing!
Kendall says
It warms my heart so much to hear this. Sharing was definitely a bit difficult and scary, but I’m so happy to hear that it has connected with people. Thank you for reading, Shannon!
Pamela says
HI Kendal–this was me–still is me i am sorry to say. I eat 3 x per day and never ever skip a meal. BUT ive gotten down to an emaciated weight of 61 pounds. Nothing i eat is “unclean”. Until we stop labeling foods as either good or bad the threat of this disease will linger. Yay you for getting well….im trying…i’ve got to beat this to save my life. Wish me luck.
Kendall says
Sending all of the love and good vibes your way. What sparked me to write my story down was this obsession our culture has with labeling foods, when in fact no foods are inherently bad…crazy! It took me a long time to grasp that concept, and still have to work on it sometimes. Thank you so much for reading and I wish you everything wonderful.
Jasmine says
Hi! I NEVER leave comments….but I LOVE THIS IN EVERY WAY. Kendal + Alexis, I wish all social media were you two! Namaste, xoxo.
Kendall says
Your comment makes me glow! Namaste, Jasmine :)
Beth says
Brave is what you are my darling. Thank you for sharing and inspiring others to do so.
Kendall says
Thank you so much for all of the love! Have the happiest weekend.
Shelby says
It’s so brave of you to share your story. This is something that many people struggle with. While I was never diagnosed, I do feel I went through the same struggle in college. I believe that being open about these kinds of illnesses can help others gain the strength to realize the issue and tackle it before it may be too late. Your story is a good one and an inspiration to those who hear it! Namaste Kendall! <3
priya says
<3
college is rough. so, freaking rough, thanks for sharing your story, and i'm glad you're on your way to better <3 i know i'm… mostly better, but still dealing with the affects of my freshmen and sophomore year.
Robyn says
“And for the love of God enjoy your extra piece of cake.”
I love you
Emily says
Kendall! This post is so beautifully written. I also struggled with orthorexia and taking control of stress through food. thank you for writing this in such an honest and real way.
Laura says
Thank you for posting this! As I read your story, I see myself reflected in much of this. Hearing you has made me aware of something I have probably doubted or ignored. I would truly love to talk further, if you are able to contact me. Thank you again for opening my eyes to this!
Kate says
Thanks, Kendall for bringing awareness to the fact that you don’t have to be intentionally starving/not eating at all to have an eating disorder. Being overly concerned and fearful of eating can be just as devastating and soul-sucking.
I’ve found that each time I tell my story it gets a little easier and I feel a little more free. I hate that sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to recognize the life we’re missing, but I hope that by sharing our stories we can help people from taking that path!
K says
I LOVE posts like this – not because I enjoy hearing about your struggles, but because SO many can relate. It is wonderful what you have accomplished and worked for. I have had to unfollow a few IGs for triggering disordered eating. The constant veggie bowls, the carb free meals, and comments that follow “#goals”. This blog is my favorite for providing delicious, nutritious recipes but most importantly for keeping sh*t REAL! Thank you Kendall for sharing. <3
[email protected] says
Good on you for being honest and sharing your story, its so important for people to realise what is truly healthy!
Hannah says
Holy shiz holy shiz holy shiz. Girl, this is like reading a page from MY diary…if I actually journaled. THANK YOU. I definitely fall into the “i don’t have a problem” problem of keeping up with the right nutrition for my activity level and I want to thank you so much for sharing. Ant that whole Instagram thing? I totally relate to that love/hate relationship. Like dayum, how many veggies and vegan treats and smoothie bowls can you subside off of…
Casey the College Celiac says
Thank you for writing this. I don’t really know what else to say besides that.
Erin Shuller says
Bravo to you Kendall for having the amazing strength to to share your personal struggles! No one is perfect, we all have our issues, but coming through to the other side and sharing that experience will help inspire so many others to do the same!
Gracie (curlfrom_cle) says
To the author of this amazing post, and a girl that I have known since I was two weeks old, I love you, I love this, and I am so proud of you. Your story is one that needed to be told, heard, and reiterated to the many going through the same difficulties that you have. I know that sharing this was not easy, but please know that you are loved, respected for your bravery, and envied for you beauty both inside and out.
dixya @food, pleasure, and health says
like most readers said here, it is definitely something I can relate to as well. 6-7 years ago, i was going through something similar in college but back then, orthorexia wasnt even a term. i thought i was doing great by avoiding all fats, less carbs and just eating veggies + water. working out without listening to my body was a huge mistake but i was in a great dietetic internship program, being surrounded by great people, and understanding of whats healthy vs. unbalanced made sense before things got out of hand. im so proud of you and thank you sharing your story.
Sam @ Hygge Wellness says
Love this Kendall! Thank you for bravely sharing your story! I so, so agree with you and your stance on food/how we approach eating. Thanks again for sharing. And if you love a balanced insta acct with lots of real food, let’s connect ?
Kristen says
Thank you for sharing, Kendall. The part about your food restrictions sounding “ridiculous” – it totally is, but it’s also totally relatable. I think all women have done this on some level at some point in their lives and we beat ourselves up over it. I’m glad you’re feeling better now and shared your story with us. :)
Deborah Burke says
Dear Kendall
Keep writing girl!! Tremendous story told in a way that captures the reader. VERY accessible, Very bold. Keep writing Kendall and thank you for writing your story. Maybe magazine next?.
Pamela says
With so many people relating to this and seeing themselves in this post perhaps a support group of sorts could be formed out of this???? Just a thought.
SUSAN says
AS THE SAYING GOES… EVERYTHING IN MODERATION, INCLUDING MODERATION!!!
Christina says
Thank you so much for sharing this! It resonates with me so much. When I was going through my eating disorder, I was genuinely confused because I was eating food but still dropping weight. I didn’t realize how much I was underfueling my body… I think it’s such a common misconception that just because someone is eating means they can’t have an eating disorder. Lots of people who have eating disorders still eat food! And you’re so right, it can happen to anyone…too many people nowadays. I’m not sure how we get out of the Instagram trap as a society, but I hope we do!
rw says
takes a lot of courage to share. I also struggled with food in college, in reality also could have been labeled an eating disorder. After gaining 40 pounds the first year of college, (didn’t know how to handle the stress), and then taking 2 years to loose it. Weight does not like to come off! Struggled with calorie restriction and at times bing eating under high stress periods. Finally found happiness by not weighing myself, and exercising, and if the clothes still fit, I know I’m doing well!
Cora says
Thank you. Thank you Kendall. You put my story into words I haven’t been able to. It is so easy to think that succumbing to an eating disorder means I was just “one of those girls like all the others,” or vain, or dumb, or weak. But I’ve always been strong. Top of my class. MVP of my volleyball team. Talented. Smart. Kind. Determined. Generous. Tomboy. And yet, when I began to feel that loss of control, I too… that girl who I thought would NEVER do such a thing… fell to a very serious eating disorder. Thank you for reminding me that those who turn to food for control are strong and smart and dedicated people. We aren’t weak.
Carrie says
You have described where I am in my life right now -orthorexia. I didn’t even know that was a thing. I would like to change my mindset but not sure I can.
Emily says
thanks girl. Thank you so much for this. <3
Jacqueline says
Great post! Thanks for sharing!!
Elizabeth says
I cried reading this. I am in the midst of the exact same situation, and it feels so amazing to see that someone went through the same thing and is out on the other side. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this.
Meredith Smith says
What beautiful words and wonderful memories.
Eating what the individual considers to be too much food in a way that feels out of control- followed by
inappropriate compensatory behaviors (e.g. self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise)
are becoming more and more openly acknowledged.
Stem cells treatment
Dr. David T. Macknet says
Thank you for this.
My diabetes meds have anorexia as a side effect, which I’m trying desperately not to feel as helpful encouragement not to eat. Trying to come up with a solution that doesn’t reinforce the negative associations.