I got an email this week with the subject line, “Orthorexia.”
I stared at the word for a while before I opened it, just kind of thinking. I glanced at the “from” line and my mind reverted back to that lively red-headed girl that bounced into Alchemy a couple years ago. I vividly remembered her enthusiasm and innocence and hunger for so much more than I knew then.
My heart felt heavy and I considered not opening it. I knew what it would say but I didn’t want it to be real yet. It was one of several in my inbox from young (and old) women giving life and validity to their past and present.
I was surprised and not surprised. I knew I had an issue, but I could never put a name to it. I didn’t make myself throw up, and I didn’t eat 500 calories a day. Then, [the doctor] began describing the symptoms of an eating disorder. I think that’s when I began crying and simultaneously laughing at the obviousness of what I had. Constantly cold, losing hair, no periods, writing down food plans, reading cook books constantly, baking for others but not eating what I made.
I read emails like this slowly, drinking every word like strong coffee. I breathe deeply and wonder how I ended up here, reading these emails about not getting periods. And how you ended up here, writing them.
I know my love for food, nutrition, and writing comes from this inner craving to help people. To make a real impact. To have a purpose rooted in integrity. And in 2017, I came back to those roots hard. Before then, I too was a little lost.
I grew more this year than any other year in my life. But not in the ways you might expect. When I say “I grew,” I mean me. Sometimes we forget the difference. This isn’t my business talking.
I worked on my soul this year. I drank coffee at least 355 out of 365 days. I bought a house. I ate more cheese. I drank more wine. I listened. I surrounded myself with the kind of people who’d think to ask me how I’m doing on a Tuesday and who didn’t make me feel like the better friend. I planned less. I slept in more. I hurt my back. I visited the mountains. I posted Instagram stories in my glasses without a bra on. I helped build Alchemy 2’s menu around good food for all people. I debated giving up social media and asked myself what I wanted to do with my life.
And if you’re wondering, yes, Hummusapien did well in 2017. In fact, in was the best year yet. I’m insanely grateful that what started as a diary of poorly photographed recipes back in 2011 is now a six figure business.
So what’s planned for 2018? I’m not entirely sure.
I know that I will be changing nothing about my diet in January. It will be caffeinated and not overly green and not underly sweet. It will be equal parts salads and smoothies and donuts and pizza. It will taste and feel yummy, like every other month. Because it’s just another month.
Other than Alchemy 2, I don’t know what else is on deck. I kind of like that uncertainty for a change. I have no goals set for 2018. I don’t want to control it. I want to just be.
I started Hummusapien six and a half years ago because I love to write. So if and when blogs become uncool and I have to become a You Tuber or recipe video producer to remain relevant, I can assure you that I won’t. I’m already noticing Instagram taking precedence over the blog when it comes to working with brands and as great as Insta can be, it’s not my home and not where I want to spend all my time.
I’m at an interesting place. I feel so much peace from using this space as a platform for change, for encouraging others to rethink “healthy eating” and diet culture and micromanaging body size. I’m glad I can share my past as a lesson for your future. I want to make you feel cozy in your own skin and at home in this space. I want to share gingerbread with you and feel confident that you’ll leave with a full heart and a happy belly.
I hope your relationship with food continues to blossom as you do—as we do. I hope you know that behind every confident, intuitive human there’s struggle, anxiety, and doubt. I hope you remember that in a digital age where comparison is most certainly capable of robbing joy at every corner, you’re doing just fine. I hope you’re intentional about the people you spend the most time with this year and that they make you better.
But most of all, I hope that in 2018 you strive to progress and stray from perfection. Sending hugs and best wishes in the New Year!
Straying from perfection sounds like a perfect idea for 2018. I love the way you put it! 🙂
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Life is so much more fun when we’re not constantly beating ourselves up for not being perfect!
I absolutely, completely, utterly love all that you do, that you stand for, & that you share. So long as your passion remains strong, I will always always visit this space because it’s incredible, positive, equally lighthearted & serious, fun, & inspiring. You are briliant & a wonderful writer. I so love that I discovered your blog, & I look forward to watching you grow in 2018! XO
Thank yo, Kori. <3 Your support truly means the world!! Thankful to have you in this space.
I read “present over perfect” by Shauna Niequist and it’s become my new mantra. She’s a Christian author, but i enjoyed the book even though i’m not religious. It’s at Target if you’re looking for a book.
Ooh always looking for inspiring new reads! Thanks for the rec!!
Just <3
Grateful to know you IRL.
I just love you.
I think instead of setting resolutions or specific goals, I’ll set an intention this year. Instead of beating myself up for failing at Whole-30 or a dry-January, I just want to look in the mirror each morning and say “do cool shit,” and move on. Good for you for slowing down and treating January like any other month, because you’re right, it is.
GIRL YES. The crazy thing is that setting intentions instead of rigid goals actually allows you to be healthier in both body and soul. Way to chase after health instead of perfection!
Aw, I love this post & what you stand for. You’re a beautiful writer & beautiful person & I’ve lived watching you grow over the years. This year in particular has been amazing, & I can’t wait to see what 2018 brings for you, & for Hummusapien. Keep doing what you’re doing… you make the world a better place😘
So thankful to have you on this journey! I’m more than excited about all this year has to hold. Thanks for all the love!
Love you, love this. Thanks for being a light. Orthorexia sucks. Recovery is a hard road to go down, but it is totally worth it. I am two sizes bigger than I was two years ago, but my hair isn’t falling out, I don’t spend all my time obsessing over how I will “fit” certain foods into my day, and I have laughed more than I have in a long time. I left behind my boring, isolating identity as “the fit girl who eats healthy” and I couldn’t be more happy with who I’ve become. Life is short, and I for one want mine to include brownies and cheese and oversized muffins from my favorite coffee shop, eaten alongside the people I love <3 May we all stop obsessing over conforming to bullshit cultural standards that tell us how to look and act. Let's freaking LIVE.
I love you right back!! And reading this just makes me HAPPY. Living life to the fullest and leaving food rules behind is what it’s all about!
Love this post Alexis and I so love what this blog has turned into over the past handful of years and the message you are putting out there. I do have a few goals for myself and my business, but none that do with eating a certain way. I want to try to drink more water, make more recipes from others, start reading blogs again/read in general, and get outside more. And for sure being more present. Excited for 2018!
I love those goals!! Sounds so freeing and refreshing. Here’s to the best year yet!
Everything about this post is beautiful. I’m so glad this was such a transformative year for you. I think the best life is the one where we are most authentic and true to who we truly are and what we truly want, and I think you absolutely embody that. Wishing you an incredible New Year and best of luck in 2018! <3
Thank you lover!! Hope your 2018 is full of delish eats and so many laughs!
I love this idea of just aiming to be more intentional with life in general. Great post!
Thank you dear! Being intentional is everythang.
Whoa, love your message girl! I’ve had a lot of ‘aha!’ moments reading your posts this year, only just discovered you back in the spring or summer! I’m trying to find balance in my diet, I too have fallen into obsessing over what I eat and how much, almost constantly thinking about if it’s okay to eat such n such later in the day… It is not a healthy place to be! I lost my period three years ago, maybe due to lack of nutrition, I haven’t found out yet! I continue to look forward to your blog posts and get excited about the subjects you’ll address in the future!
XO
~Haley
I’m so glad you’re here!! Food obsession is no fun and finding the way out is never a linear process, but if you stick with it you WILL find food freedom. Rooting for you!