Learning how to eat intuitively and work with my body has been anything but linear.
But I’m growing in it and I wanted to share with you where I’m at in my journey with hopes that this will encourage you to live in freedom and become the eater you want to be.
Natalie here. We all go through different seasons of life. Good seasons are preferred, hard ones are inevitable. While moving in and out of seasons may be a part of life, it isn’t as simple as it sounds. There are good and bad seasons and there are also seasons of in-between. You know that awkward, frustrating place when you know where you want to be but just can’t seem to get there? That’s the kind I’m talking about. And that’s what I’m walking through right now.
When I was in high school, I got the idea in my head that I needed to lose weight. It didn’t seem like a big deal and I didn’t think much of it. I didn’t necessarily think anything was wrong with me or that I was fat, I just thought I could look a little better.
This thought sparked a seven-year struggle with disordered eating. I’ve done it all—five meals a day, “clean eating,” IIFYM, vegan, vegetarian, paleo. You name it, I’ve tried it. I quickly learned that restricting calories and skipping meals wasn’t sustainable; so I found my hope to achieve the “perfect body” in any and every diet. I thought it was healthy because I was eating green stuff and skipping on the pizza and ice cream. Writing that makes me sad because now I know that even though I was eating all the kale, I was so far from healthy.
Following diet plans and nutrition advice led me to believe that my body couldn’t be trusted. Craving “bad” food was wrong and actually eating those foods was even worse. I found my worth in what I ate and I believed that a day was good if I stuck to my plan and a waste if I messed up.
I brought these thoughts with me to college and attempted to maintain my diet and workout schedule while making friends and adjusting to a new life. I wasn’t really successful because as it turns out, it’s impossible to maintain a perfect body, build meaningful relationships, and get good grades. We just don’t have the mental space to do all of that.
Fast forward a few years and a couple diets later and I found myself as a transfer student at Ohio State. I got connected with a campus organization right away and made friends with some of the most amazing women I’ve ever met. Living in community changed me in ways that I never anticipated, and one of the first things to change was my perspective on food.
At the time, food was all I really thought about so I really noticed what my friends were eating. Not in a judgmental way, but rather in a curious one. They ate whatever they wanted, but more often than not they ate pretty healthy. Fun foods like pizza, cupcakes, and cookie dough were all part of their lives; but their thoughts weren’t at all consumed by what they were eating.
The example my friends unknowingly set dramatically changed my food philosophy. I realized that I didn’t need to be so strict to be healthy and that the sky wouldn’t fall if I ate a scoop of “regular ice cream.” Over time, with the encouragement of my friends, I shed the food rules I’d imposed on my self and re-incorporated every food back into my diet. It was hard, but it was awesome. I thought I had found freedom at last. But I still didn’t have it all figured out. How could I?
After years of dieting, I was finally in a place where I was living without a label (which is actually pretty terrifying when it’s really all you’ve ever known). During this period of time, I realized that I actually knew very little about good nutrition. When I wasn’t following a plan, I didn’t know how to be healthy. Despite removing restrictions, I was still in a cycle of bingeing and restricting while being tempted to diet again. Thankfully, I knew that the answer to my problem was not found in another diet, so refrained from any major restriction and tried to educate myself on how to live healthfully.
Nutrition research is awesome, but most of it is inconclusive so the more I learned, the more confused I became. When researching and learning didn’t work, I realized I was out of ideas and that trying to regain my health on my own wasn’t possible. So after countless years of hiding my struggle, I confessed. To my parents, my friends, everyone. I was so tired of pretending that I had it all together when I was actually suffering.
I can’t tell you the freedom I felt the day I swallowed my pride and admitted my truth. I was met with so much grace, love and hope that I would get out of this and experience true freedom. As I type this, I’m one hour away from my first appointment with an integrative dietitian and I’m so excited to learn how to work with my body and live well without obsession. This has been a long time coming for me and the fact that I am moving forward with a trained professional is so surreal.
I thought long and hard about sharing this with you, but I decided that I needed to because life is far too short to keep living in bondage to food. We were created for FAR greater things than manipulating the size of our bodies. If you’re struggling, reach out. As much as you think you can get through this on your own, you really need the support of others. It’s okay to not have the answers. It’s ok to know something’s wrong but not know exactly how to fix it.
And if you have reached out, I’m so excited for what is yet to come. I’m here with you in the in-between.
I feel ya…especially the part about not being able to “maintain a perfect body, build meaningful relationships, and get good grades”. For so much of my teens/early twenties, I was so wrapped up in my eating disorder I couldn’t focus on any of the actual important things in my life! I never made any real close friends, and even though I did well in school, I just didn’t really care about anything I was studying, even in college. Since starting recovery and giving less of my attention to obsessing over food, I’m amazed by how much MORE my life is. I promise you, it’s gonna be rough, but it’s worth it. SO, so proud of you for taking the first steps and going to talk to a dietitian.
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I’ve been a type 1 diabetic from age 5 and have fighting an eating disorder most of my life, I’m 46 now with chronic pain, heart disease, both legs and then KAFI brace to walk and 01/16 lost my eyesight, finally I’m ready to do things right and get healthy without obsessing about my weight, thank you for the recipes and all your advice, as women the more we pick each other up instead of beating each other down to better our lives can become
Isn’t it crazy how much mental space it takes up?! Letting go of perfection has created room for so much more in my life and I love it!
I know exactly what you mean. It was just a few years ago I was consumed by societal standards for what my size should be. As long as you feel healthy, you do you.
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Exactly!!
I’ve been a type 1 diabetic from age 5 and have fighting an eating disorder most of my life, I’m 46 now with chronic pain, heart disease, both legs and then KAFI brace to walk and 01/16 lost my eyesight, finally I’m ready to do things right and get healthy without obsessing about my weight, thank you for the recipes and all your advice, as women the more we pick each other up instead of beating each other down to better our lives can become
Was that all repercussions from your eating disorder? Like having chronic pain and losing eyesight?
All of my health problems including losing my eyesight are direct long-term effects of being a type one diabetic now having an eating disorder ( anorexia ) did make controlling my blood sugar is very difficult
oh wow, I did not realize there could be a correlation to eyesight loss from anorexia.
Not directly it’s just being a type one diabetic having control with an eating disorder is extremely hard it’s years of not having good blood sugar controls because the light last of my sight
Thanks for sharing your story! It is so encouraging to hear about steps that you are taking! Thank you for being brave and making yourself vulnerable on the internet.
Thank you times a million!!
Thank you for being brave enough to be so vulnerable online. You never know how your story might touch someone who really needed to hear it. Wishing you all the best!
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It’s my hope that sharing my experience will encourage someone to find food freedom in their own life. Thanks for your kind words!
I’ve been reading this blog for a long time, but I’ve never commented. Please be proud of yourself, not just for seeking/asking for help, but for sharing with all of us total strangers. I work with teenagers and am forever trying to impress upon them that someone is always willing to listen, no matter the issue. I work hard at not just eating healthy in front of them to set a good example, but also having a treat or two in front of them. Because that’s real life. If every woman could stop equating eating to “being good,” or “being bad,” we would all be the better for it. Thank you for a beautiful post.
Also, the decision to talk to someone about this is the hardest part. You’ve got this. And all of us who believe wholeheartedly in the message you and Alexis put forth are here for you.
You are so wonderful! Reaching out and sharing about it has been difficult but so worth it, especially knowing that it could make someone feel less alone. Thanks for your kind words- you made my day!
Thank you for sharing! I have a fairly similar story, just lasting more like 15 years! I saw a dietician a couple months ago and haven’t been back… it’s so easy to think we can do this on our own but I really should see her again. It’s hard to let go of having a “plan” for the day or the week but also freeing when I manage to let go! I can’t wait to hear how things go for you.
Oh girl I feel you. It’s so hard to eat without a plan when that’s all you’ve ever known! Definitely navigating uncharted waters over here but it’s already proving to be more than worth it. It’s not easy or fun but I know that it’s the path to complete food freedom!
your openness and honesty, inviting others into your journey is so valuable. serious. and your writing style clearly articulates your thought process in a way that relates to so many readers on here… i so much affirm and honor your boldness to write this and seek out a dietician. you should continue to keep us posted on what you’re learning.
Thanks Mikayla. <3 Means the world.
Hi! I really relate to what you said about maintaining balance in college. It’s especially hard when you realize the school you thought was a fit…isn’t. I’m currently thinking about transferring to OSU and am curious, what organization did you join that helped you find your place?
That’s the hardest thing! I totally feel for you. Deciding whether I wanted to transfer was super hard but it turned out to be such an awesome turning point in my life. I’m involved with Cru and I’ve made the best friends I’ve ever had.
good post, I like your photography. I’ve tried all kinds of things over the years, body for life, vegan, paleo….pretty much just trying anything. It’s taking me a long time to know my body and what works….in the end it’s something middle of the road- that fits me and my body not some canned diet plan
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