I wasn’t planning on posting this until Monday, but after Today’s Dietitian Magazine found it, they named me RD of the Day and it kind of went viral! Be sure to check out the original on The Huffington Post. Enjoy!
I like to think I’m a nice person.
A nice person with a helluva busy schedule and one too many commitments perhaps, all of which I love dearly and am not willing to forgo. Over my three and a half years of blogging, I’ve been asked every question in the book, from where I buy my shredded coconut and hot pink sandals to why I eat food X or drink bevvie Z if it “clearly causes cancer.” I do what I love and I love what I do.
There’s nothing quite like responding to some of my lovely readers’ outrageous emails and comments. Some make me cry tears of joy and thank the heavens for blessing me with such a rewarding job, and some make me want to hit myself over the head with an oily skillet.
I always die a little on the inside. And then I laugh and laugh and laugh till my belly hurts and wonder if it’s from your hilarious comment or the pound of popcorn I smashed while fervently responding to your questions.
As a food blogger and as a friend, I love answering your comments and emails. Except when you ask me to solve your wicked complicated health problems and why you can’t substitute mayonnaise for almond meal.
1. How many calories per serving?
I don’t count calories or base food choices on calories. Never have, never will. I don’t advise my clients to count calories or macros, either. I respect your reasons for wanting nutrition information, but I simply don’t have the time nor the desire to calculate that number for you. To be frank, after spending hours and sometimes days conceptualizing a recipe, creating content, photographing, and scheduling social media, the thought of calculating calories sounds about as appealing as scooping dog poo.
2. If I substitute steak for black beans and and cardboard for curry powder, will this recipe still taste the same?
Was I born yesterday or are steak and black beans a wee bit different? I don’t make recipes with ingredients other than the ones listed, so substitutions are at your own risk, my friends. I love learning that other options work, but I’m not a wizard. I truly cannot predict the future so I promise that your guess is as good as mine. What I can’t promise is that it will taste good. It probably will not.
3. Do you want me to order for you?
I beg your pardon? Did you just ask if I want you to order for me? I have a FOOD BLOG. The real question is when will this date be over and should I tag you in this Instagram salad er no?
4. Can you do a post on everything you eat for a week and why?
I swear this would not look as cool as it sounds. You’d probably question my sanity for never once sitting down when I eat and then judge my ridiculously low water consumption, rightfully so. If I had the time, I’d send you all personal food diaries with details on how emotional I felt after each bite. KIDDING. But seriously, I know looking at other people’s food is super fun. It’s kind of addicting. It’s kind of scary.
5. Can I post your entire recipe on my blog but add more vanilla extract and a dash of salt and then not give you credit?
Is it just me or is blog etiquette a thing of the past?! This really gets me going. Imagine spending all day on a recipe post and seeing some one post THE EXACT SAME THING on their site without even giving you credit. OH NO SHE DIDN’T. Google doesn’t like when my recipes live in multiple places meaning it also really hurts the page views I depend on for income (which allows me to provide free content to you).
6. How many calories should I eat in a day?
Three million. Yes, I’m a dietitian. No, I don’t work for free. I’d love to help you, but please respect my time and ask to schedule an appointment with me before expecting me to solve your health problems via email or worse, instagram messenger. Nutrition is super personalized and I need to know A LOT about you and your past before I can begin to tackle any question about yourself.
7. I’m allergic to every ingredient in this recipe. Do you have any recommendations?
Allergies are no fun and I really do feel for those that suffer from them. But, BUT, once again, I’m not a wizard and I can’t wave a magic wand to predict how things will taste when you add your own spins. Hopefully I’ll be a food blogger AND a wizard in my next life.
8. I’m paleo. Do you have any advice for tweaking these whole wheat pancakes?
Hi, Paleo. I’m Alexis. These pancakes weren’t meant to be paleo-ified. They’re made with like, ALL the grains. Feel free to google “paleo pancakes” and find another recipe.
9. Can you teach me how to create a successful blog and take good pictures and open a restaurant?
Can I? Maybe. Will I? Probs not. That would be a lengthy response to say the least. I think it would take me three months to write. So I may just write an autobiography addressing those three questions instead and mail a copy to everyone who asks.
10. Why do you use the microwave? You know you’re slowly killing yourself, right?
Because I’m lazy and it cooks food really fast and the last thing I want to do after a long day at work is get out a pan. Why do you drive a car?
* * *
For more laughs, check out my Confessions of a Food Blogger post!
You cook food in the science oven?! oh no! 😀 This is great, love seeing bloggers be honest like this 🙂
the science oven! lol
LOLOLOLOLOOLOL
hahahahahaha this was great! I have been following you for over a year and absolutely LOVE your posts and all the personality you put into them 😀 I am in school in dietetics right now and I can totally relate to all this… I’m always amazed when people this I am a wizard that can predict the future too… like really? You think I’m magical? Aw thanks but… no such luck haha! Keep doing you!!!
whoops… can’t spell either… *when people think
Thanks so much, Holley!! So glad you can relate 🙂
Thanks for making me LOL. And congrats on being RD of the Day- so cool!!!!!!
Thanks lady!!!
THIS POST. I am DYING. I can so relate to ALL those questions and I wish I could answer them exactly like you.
“cardboard for curry.” LOVE IT.
Wait cardboard and curry aren’t the same thing?! 😉
THIS POST IS EVERYTHING. I’m obsessed with you. I got the besssssssst email the other day. I reference to my Detox Vegetable Soup: “How many servings of this soup and how many times should I eat this to feel the full detox effect”? I’m like uhhhhhhh no that did not just happen. But it did kind of give me the brilliant idea to start a soup cleanse…
HAHAHAHAH I’m dying over that detox email comment. Like no fugging way.
I absolutely love this post. I am not a dietitian but can totally see how people approach you like this. I am a mechanical engineer so usually people ask me “Can you help me fix XYZ?” I have heard everything from cars, to electrical problems, to someone washing machine… I do not know everything about everything. Could I figure it out eventually? Probably. Do I want to spend my weekend fixing your car? Absolutely not. Also… my least favorite response ever is>>> “You don’t look like an engineer.” What exactly does one look like???
I love how you can understand this from a totally different perspective!! Awesomeness.
It’s been a long week. It’s rainy. I’ve got a million things to do today. And this post made me laugh so so so hard. ! You’re so witty! Thank you for making me laugh, today and always!
Hahahaha I’m so glad it made you laugh, Sally! That’s what I’m here for 🙂
This is the best! I can totally relate. 🙂
Oh I bet you can!!
I’m still so obsessed with this. It’s the BEST!!
Hehehehe thanks, Hannah!
I LOVE EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS. “Why do you drive a car?” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It’s great the honesty of this post. It’s extremely interesting to me how people expect us to solve all their problems.
Thanks for being so refreshingly honest! Keep up the phenomenal work 🙂
Thanks for your sweet comment, Sarah 🙂
Dude, did you just get FUNNIER?! I seriously didn’t even think that was possible. I actually think you might be a wizard, bc you freaking blow my minddddd. Like, sometimes I want to be you. And then you help me remember that being me ain’t so bad either. But I still think being you would be an upgrade. 🙂 You are lovely, hilarious, smart, authentic, driven, and full of wisdom and wit. You’re also really pretty. I love you more than I loved baked goods, and you KNOW how serious my sweet tooth is. I am not surprised IN THE LEAST this post earned you “RD of the day” in like, 3 milliseconds. RD of my LIFE. Now come visit me (or I’ll come visit you) so we can talk about non-food stuff and go dancing. And then eat late night pizza. Because, obviously. Oh wait, you have no time? That’s what I thought. Being so amazing is hard work. Well done, sweets!
I MAY HAVE GOTTEN FUNNIER. You do NOT want to be me, trust me. For realz. You want to me that mango salad.
#1 and #2 all the time! For the calories I sometimes will give them a rough estimate but I then give them the link to the website I used to do that calculation so they can do it on their own in the future. All said nicely of course O:-) And #2 is my favorite. It kills me when people ask if they can sub ground turkey for ground chicken (really?) and then the other side of the spectrum where I’ve been asked if they can omit the sugar from a cookie recipes (omit? no. substitute?maybe).
Hahah a cookie without sugar….lies.
hahaha! This was awesome. I don’t run a food blog myself, but as a health coach get similar questions. I know a lot of my clients also deal with this. Too funny.
I’m sure you know exactly where I’m coming from 😉
this post…priceless. 🙂
great start to the weekend.
thanks!
Glad you liked it!!!
Love this my dear 🙂
Heheh thanks love 🙂
HAHA. Number 8. For reals. And then #10… “why do you drive a car?” HAHA. Cuz that will kill you too! 😉
Exactly!!!
This is my favorite post of ALL time.
HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
yes, yes, yes, & yes.
“Can I order for you?” is perfection.
Hahah I was like HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE.
I love #1 and #10! I’m glad you’re one of few food blogs that does not put the calorie count. Meals should be centered on the ingredients rather than the stinking calories!!
And as for #10, who’s trying to wait 30 minutes for something to cook when you have to be out the door in 5!? I agree with ya!
Love this post!! 🙂
People are REALLY weird! You are really funny and I love this post and congrats to YOU on going viral! I use my microwave ALL the time. Hello when you are running around like a chicken without a head and want to eat your hand off, heating the goodies up in less than 3 minutes. Sign me up! XOXO
Cheers to microwaves and eating a million calories a day weeeeee!!!!
I love your snarky side! I think all the food bloggers are shaking their heads in agreement. 🙂
My favorite question I’ve gotten lately was on my 2-ingredient sweet potato pancakes. The 2 ingredients are sweet potatoes and eggs. “Looks great but would this work without the eggs?” Ummmmmm sure? You can certainly try to make a pancake out of just cooked sweet potato. Good luck honey!
Bahahaha that is HILAIR. I feel your pain.
Hi Alexis! I actually read this on HuffPost yesterday before you posted it here. Nice job writing a funny viral piece. Your humor shines through in this one for sure. So, can you make a diet plan for me now? How many calories should I eat in a day? Oh wait … you want me to pay you for that? Darn.
Awww thanks, Ashley! You should eat approximately 10,000 calories a day. Wait, I meant 10 million.
I didn’t realize you had such a snarky side!!! 😉
Hahah I think a lot of people discovered my snarky side after this post 😉 MUHAHAH!
You have such a great sense of humor Alexis! You always make your blog so much fun to read. I again want to thank you for taking the time to create healthy food recipes and spending so much of your precious time to help so many people. You rock:)
Jan B
Thank YOU for always leaving the sweetest, most thoughtful comments Jan! They always make me smile. XO
You are so sassy haha 🙂 I’m trying to read your blog more now, and it’s so fantastic ahh, you impress me
Thanks Sanna! Keep reading 🙂 YOU impress ME!
This was an awesome post. Love your wit and humor!!
Thanks, Laura!!
oh God. We need to compare notes.
lolz. this is just so perfect and hilarious and true!
Yayyy!!
This is so funny. This is why I love reading your blog, you have a great sense of humor.
Hahah glad you liked it, Angela 🙂
Oh my Gosh, hilarious. You nailed it. The calorie thing drives me crazy! I might have to copy your response. Thanks for the laugh- I needed it!
Feel free to copy 🙂
OMG. #7 and #10 just kill me, hahahah. It’s funny because I’m one of those people that has a ton of food allergies/sensitivities but as a blogger I would know never to ask that question! And as for the paleo thing…um, hello. There’s this thing called the internet. And there are approximately a million bagillion (or at least half that many) paleo blogs out there you can check out!
Food bloggers understood this post way more than others, I believe 😉
So true! I read some of these to my friends laughing out loud and they just…didn’t get it. Awkward. At least we all understand each other!!
Hahah this is AMAZING.
Thanks lady 🙂
If you put yourself out there as an “expert” and you accept questions you are going to have to be more tolerant in certain areas. One area you could be more tolerant is the area of allergies. As an “expert” who is publishing recipes, it is reasonable for people to ask about allergy-related substitutions. In fact, it would behoove you to work with those people if not to improve your recipe but to understand their perspective and possibly better relate to them, the audience you are trying to sell to.
As a blogger myself, I have learned to listen to my readers and try to understand their perspective. I even allow those who disagree with me to publish those disagreements (as long as they are not disagreeable). I learn from them as much as they learn from me. You may want to reconsider this if you do not want to lose an audience!
I agree with Scott. This post was my first exposure to your work and although you’re clearly passionate about sharing a vegan whole food diet with others, you almost lost me with your snarky-sounding comment about how you can’t predict the future. Sounds like you’re an experienced cook so you can probably imagine how a substitution would affect your dish, even if you can’t be 100% certain about the outcome. Bryanna Clark Grogan (a true kitchen genius!) is really great about helping readers to find ingredient subs as I think she realizes many folks otherwise might just substitute animal products. Maybe she grumbles in her head about offering these options, but in all the years I’ve been reading her blog she has never shown any sign of the exasperation you expressed. Dreena Burton, Erin at Olives For Dinner, and Judith at Savvy Vegetarian are a few other of many very kind bloggers who come to mind.
In an ideal world we would all make your recipes exactly as you intended but in the real world many folks have allergies or budget considerations that make it more sustainable to use an item they already have in their pantry. In addition, we all have food preferences. When I cook for my husband I have to find substitutes for broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, sweet potatoes, and squash. No joke. I promise it upsets me more than it upsets you when I don’t get to enjoy your recipe with its originally intended delicious broccoli (tho’ if I can put it in half the recipe for me, I will!). But if I don’t find the substitutes, then I will definitely make another recipe from one of the many other amazing vegan blogs and cookbooks out there.
Hi there. Thanks for your comment! This post was supposed to be light-hearted and satirical. I love my readers more than anything, and I spend hours each week responding to emails and comments helping people find good substitutions. Nearly all of my clients have allergies and intolerances. I totally value everyone’s food preferences and this post was meant to be funny and taken with a grain of salt 🙂
I really appreciate your response. I’ve added a grain of salt to my bag here!
I actually try my best to make recipes exactly as the author writes (tho’ I might add more salt and spice) because I want them to turn out well! I can understand it would get a little frustrating to have folks say they changed a recipe entirely and then hated it. Reminds me of those one-star reviews on Amazon for books that got lost in the mail.
Thanks again. Already have a few of your recipes on my To Make list.
Hi Scott. Thanks for your comment! This post was supposed to be light-hearted and satirical. I love my readers more than anything, and I spend hours each week responding to emails and comments helping people find good substitutions. Nearly all of my clients have allergies and intolerances. I totally value everyone’s food preferences and this post was meant to be funny and taken with a grain of salt 🙂
This is hilarious!!!!! Thanks for making us laugh 🙂
1. I love your honesty. Hilarious!
2. Seriously don’t understand what’s up with the blog etiquette. I’ve seen SO many copycat recipes that change 1 thing and give no credit. Drives me NUTS.
3. But seriously, why can’t you solve everyone’s diet problems/questions via twitter? 😉