Yesterday was a very, very weird day.
I planned on getting a lot done this weekend, like always. Then those blessed two days roll around and guess what the last thing I feel like doing is? Working!
But we did get a lot done. It might not have been what was written on my to-do list, but we definitely did a lot of fun stuff. And isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? We walked to the coffee shop. We made pancakes. We went to the pool. We ate tons of ice cream straight out of the carton. We walked around Com Fest. We made Fiajita Tofu Kebabs. I got new tennis shoes. I had everything to be happy about!
I thought I'd make a new recipe for today's blog post. Some really delish chocolate zucchini muffins. I had a plan to make Glowing Spiced Lentil Soup, a new veggie burger, fruit kebabs for Thursday's post, and maaaaaybe squeeze in the My Fitness Pal article I have due Wednesday. Then I got a call from Alchemy saying we were about to be out of bread and frozen bananas.
It wasn't a big deal. I've gotten that same call many times before. It was very fixable.
But I lost it.
I started to cry. I covered my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees and started to go on and on about needing to hire people, adjusting the schedule, second locations, all the cleanses being picked up this week, the blog posts due next week, the muffins I didn't make, the fact that I had next to no desire to go buy bread and even less of a desire to make the damn chocolate zucchini muffins.
I wasn't crying because we were out of bread. I was crying because sometimes I feel anxiety wash over me in a very real, very suffocating way. I was crying because I know how it feels when stress manifests physically and I didn't want to have to feel it again. I was crying because I just really needed to feel the sadness for a second.
So what did I do? I did what I had to do. I went to the store to get bread. By the time I got back home, I felt like I was going to throw up. Nothing bad had even happened.
I don't have the answer, and I'm not looking for one. This post isn't about pity or advice or self-loathing. This post is me telling you that feeling less than great about yourself, about your responsibilities, about your purpose, about everything, is extremely normal. I really do believe that it's important to let yourself feel sad, even if it seems like there's nothing to be upset about. You have every right to feel it.
I don't know the best way to deal with stress and anxiety. If I did, I'd write about it! I know it helps me to talk to the people I love. I also know that being productive, even though it's the last thing I want to do when I'm having anxiety, always puts me more at ease. To be honest, I know I'm the kind of person that would feel anxious no matter what. It's not just because I'm busy. We're all busy. I've heard "I don't know how you do it all" or "you should really take time for yourself." But neither Alchemy nor Hummusapien is going away. And I do take time for myself. That's not always the answer.
Sometimes you have to accept that the things that matter most in life are tough. Really, really tough. Your job(s), your relationships, your sense of confidence and stability. Maybe it's more about finding the best way to deal with it (and it's different for everyone) rather than jumping to the conclusion that something's gotta give. Because I'm just not ready to give anything up. That can't be the answer for me.
I wasn't planning on talking about this. I swear I had every intention to post muffins and say something funny about zucchini. But I love this space and I love you and I'm honest with the people I love. I guess my purpose in writing this is to be real and to make everyone who gets like this at one time or another feel a little less alone. I know what it feels like to be trapped by the things and people you're supposed to love.
So I'm not really proposing a question or looking for an answer today. I'm just having an open conversation with you all about how tough it can be to feel low when you should feel high.
I'm so lucky to have this space as my creative outlet and I so appreciate you stopping by even when my life is far less exciting than Flourless Peanut Butter Zucchini Brownies. Let's all be glad that today is a new day. I know there are many more brownies around the corner!
Jisan Duke says
Great post!
Plos
Amber @ Madden Wellness Counseling says
I could really FEEL what you meant in this post. I am much the same way. My perfectionistic personality gets the best of me. I think one of the things that has been most helpful for me in times when I feel overwhelmed, is to simply stop and ask myself, "What HAS to be done today? Right now? What's the worst that will happen if I don't get x,y,z today? What can wait until tomorrow or another time when I'm feeling more up to handling the situation?" There are obviously things that HAVE to get done today (like the bread), but sometimes the "to-do" list we make is what WE have assigned ourselves to do. And why?? I've learned that many times, laundry can wait. Dishes can wait. Organizing the Tupperware shelf can wait. There are LOTS of things I place on myself that I feel I SHOULD be doing, but the only thing I should really be doing is what has to be done and what I feel like doing in the moment. 🙂
Jessica Carbon says
I recently found your blog and I have to say, I'm absolutely smitten by it and this post makes me all the more smitten.
Girl, we've all been there. Days are hard and people look at you weird when you're just sobbing in your car in the parking lot because you left your grocery list at home. Or...something like that hahaha. Anyways, I just wanted to say - I totally feel you. Obvs you're wonder woman for all that you do and we all are inspired by it. Even wonder woman needs a neck massage and for people to just not blow up her phone for one day. It's all any of us want.
All the love! 🙂
https://www.searedanshameless.com
Alexis says
Awwww thanks, Jessica! I always forget about posts like this that aren't recipes until someone comments and brings it back to life. Glad to hear it resonated with you. XO
Alli O says
YES to all of this. I own 2 businesses (6 locations-5 of which are seasonal-2 of which are new this year) and have felt like this way more often then I care to admit. It's so overwhelming and sometimes I just need to let my emotions show through and let myself break down so I can pick back up and keep moving forward. It's not an easy road that's for sure but the hope is that one day all the work and stress will be worth it. Hugs and good vibes-keep your head up, you're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask for!
Ashley @ Fit Mitten Kitchen says
Anxiety is a shit storm, and it is seriously sucks. These past few months I've had my fair share of feeling anxious and terrible half of the time. Taking little breaks help, but all in all it does help to just keep moving forward, like you said. Know you are an inspiration to so many 🙂
Carlie says
I wish I could hug you. Not just for you, but for me too. Needed this!
Erin says
Here for you always, girlie! You are so beautiful inside and out, and I am so inspired by your strength! I understand how you feel, you are validated and you are so valued by so many people! XOXOXO!
Simi says
love you so much & this post. sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel the sad stuff. you're amazing <3
Alexis says
Love you boo 🙂
Megan @ Skinny Fitalicioua says
Girl you have no idea how much I needed to hear this from someone else. I am so overwhelmed with nutrition school, IIN, freelancing, running the blog, starting a business and dealing with an upcoming hip surgery. I keep reminding myself that not everything needs to be done at once but it's still a struggle. I get anxious and upset that I don't have me time. I feel like a failure even though I know I'm not. Sometimes I look at other bloggers thinking they have it altogether. It helps knowing I am not alone. 🙂
Amy says
I love this blog for the passion behind the posts. As a graduate student, my blog has turned more into a therapeutic outlet this past year than a nutrition and wellness blog. The honesty is relatable. Thanks for sharing!
Casey the College Celiac says
Amen. To every word. Because I can relate to all of it. Feeling like you're being pulled in several directions and responsible for all of them. Crying at something that, any other day, would be laughable. And not knowing whether to share or hide and post a zucchini comedy instead. I'm glad you chose the first option. 🙂
Danielle @ Wild Coast Tales says
Thanks for being so honest! We've all been there and I know that feeling of being so overwhelmed and just breaking down. On the plus side, once I have a good cry it usually gets better from there! Hope you have a great week ahead.
katherine says
Thanks for the honest post. I was having one of those days too (cried in the bathroom at work for something that normally wouldn't have phased me) and this post made me feel better/more normal than if I had read your new recipe for chocolate zucchini muffins, even though I can't wait to gobble those up soon!
Chelsea's Healthy Kitchen says
I think we've all been there girl! I used to get so anxious and stressed out about balancing blogging, work, and life. Eventually I realized I had to let something go, and that something was the blog. I may only post 1x a month now, but I'm a lot saner! Even if letting something go isn't possible, sometimes just taking the pressure off ourselves can help. 🙂
Kristin Bieber says
Amen sista. You're talking about living life from your values not what feels good and that is hard. I love that you shared this!
Masala girl says
We're here for you, any day, every day <3 take time for yourself. You Can do what you've planned, it just might take a bit longer, but you've got it in you 🙂
Emilie @ Emilie Eats says
Oh, if I could only count the number of times this same thing has happened to me. When everything you need to do hits you and you really just want ONE day off and completely break down. I'm there more than I'd like to be, and like you, there's nothing I'm willing to give up. I don't know how to juggle it all either, but I guess I'm figuring it out along the way!
Sam @ Barrister's Beet says
I love how open and honest you are! I really respect and admire your ability to connect with people through your posts. I also struggle with the kind of inexplicable anxiety that you mentioned. I also tend to feel that way when I get super overwhelmed... and when I do, I usually lose it over something that I wouldn't typically lose it over. Lately everyone keeps telling me, "You can have it all... you just can't have it all right now." But I don't like that answer. I don't think wanting a career, a relationship, your health, friends, etc. is "wanting it all" -- I think it's just being really motivated about life. I guess it's just about finding a way to be at peace with the stress, the occasional sadness or freak out, and saying F it... what will be, will be. :End ramble: lol
Lauren @ The Bikini Experiment says
We all have these days. But not everyone admits it and blogs about it. Thank you for this post.
Lauren says
Sending you lots of love Alexis. Life is not easy sometimes and you are absolutely right, these feelings need to be felt. Thanks for keeping it real. Positive vibes sending your way xxx
Anna says
This is why I love your blog! I feel like you try really hard to be honest with your readers and not gloss over the challenging parts of life. Thank you for this post.
Sarah @ Making Thyme for Health says
As much as I hate to hear that you're having a hard time, I also appreciate when you open up about what's going on with you. I totally get how you feel. In fact, suffocating is the PERFECT word to describe it. I never feel like it's okay to just rest. It's like there always something I need to be doing and if I don't, the guilt starts to set in. But that's not how it should be. We all need that down time to recharge our batteries. If muffins don't get made then so be it. Life will go on and they'll get made another day. In the meantime you have to let yourself enjoy the moment because life is way too short. And the internet ain't going nowhere. 😉 xo
Natalie says
Relating so hard... "Maybe when I have less to do, I'll be less stressed..." and then womp womp, still stressed. Keep doin' what you're doing and thanks for posting!
Meah says
I'm so glad that you posted this because I've been dealing with these exact feelings for the past week. The nagging feelings of stress and the anxiety and sadness that has come with it are so hard to shake. With trying to do a million things, it can really feel like you're on a treadmill that just keeps getting faster and you can't keep up. I think for us "do it all", overachiever personalities, it can be really hard to let things go and accept that we can't be everywhere or do everything. Thank you for being so real and raw, I support you and will be rooting for you.
xxMeah
Laura says
Thank you for posting this! I have been feeling that way a lot recently too. Like, if someone puts one more thing on my plate, I may just scream. And sometimes "taking time for yourself" makes the anxiety worse because things just continue to pile up when you're off doing that! You're right - there's no easy answer. Hope you start to feel better soon, though. Hang in there.
Jenni Schaffer says
We do a LOT and yet somehow manage to give ourselves credit for "Not Very Much". Wise words in your blog today.
Love from South FLorida! 🙂
Maryea {happy healthy mama} says
Been there. Isn't it funny how you can feel that way one day, and then the very next day you feel 100% motivated, productive, and like nothing can stop you? You have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs. Keep on keepin' on.
Erin @ The Almond Eater says
This happens to everyone--I know it happens to me more than I care to admit. One small thing can set me into a flood of tears, but mostly I just cry about being stressed and trying to figure out how to manage it. Going on a walk helps, but I also agree that allowing yourself that moment to cry and to feel your feelings and to just BE (be sad, be annoyed be...anything!), is more than ok.
Rebecca @ Strength and Sunshine says
When we have so much going on every little mishap just seems like the greatest eruption :/
Kelly @ Eat the Gains says
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I struggle with having a good balance between work and personal life. In my free time I want to devote all my time to my blog, but that leaves little time for myself. It is hard to just let go because I always have that feeling in the back of my head that I should be working. You are crushing it though and it is okay to not post the recipe you have planned. We will be here whether it is fruit kabobs or zucchini brownies!
If I lived near Alchemy, I would work for you in a heart beat!
rachel @ athletic avocado says
This happens to me a lot too. We all crumble under stressful situations and it's refreshing to hear someone else is honest and open about it too! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Leah Goldglantz says
Aweeee I completely understand your feelings. I have felt the same way lately. I have a baby at home, so never get much done during the week for the blog since I'm home alone with her and she takes up 99.9% of my time haha. I always say I'll work on my blog all weekend, but then never get to half the things on my list... However, it's important to take a step back and enjoy life (like your day of getting coffee and making pancakes). That's what you'll really remember when your older. I hope today is a better day xoxoxox
Blair @ The Seasoned Mom says
Thanks for this post -- it was way better than those muffins would have been anyway! 🙂
Arman @ thebigmansworld says
You know my thoughts.
🙂
dixya @food, pleasure, and health says
i will take real life talk over muffins any day. i go through similar anxieties and just stress for little things too...i clean like a maniac when im stressed, i guess thats my way of dealing with it. im in grad school (which i hate but want to get it over with) and with a demanding job, some days i want to shut everything behind..except that i dont and just keep moving. on a different note, im going on a staycation next week because after almost working for 4 years now, i have never really taken a day off for myself (not coz of planned vacation, appointment, sick leave) but just a day truly dedicated to all things dixya loves 🙂 im really looking forward to it. it sucks to have to go through anxiety/stress but in a way its cathartic and totally normal. if you ever need to vent/chat/rant - hit me up 🙂