Yesterday was a very, very weird day.
I planned on getting a lot done this weekend, like always. Then those blessed two days roll around and guess what the last thing I feel like doing is? Working!
But we did get a lot done. It might not have been what was written on my to-do list, but we definitely did a lot of fun stuff. And isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing? We walked to the coffee shop. We made pancakes. We went to the pool. We ate tons of ice cream straight out of the carton. We walked around Com Fest. We made Fiajita Tofu Kebabs. I got new tennis shoes. I had everything to be happy about!
I thought I’d make a new recipe for today’s blog post. Some really delish chocolate zucchini muffins. I had a plan to make Glowing Spiced Lentil Soup, a new veggie burger, fruit kebabs for Thursday’s post, and maaaaaybe squeeze in the My Fitness Pal article I have due Wednesday. Then I got a call from Alchemy saying we were about to be out of bread and frozen bananas.
It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve gotten that same call many times before. It was very fixable.
But I lost it.
I started to cry. I covered my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees and started to go on and on about needing to hire people, adjusting the schedule, second locations, all the cleanses being picked up this week, the blog posts due next week, the muffins I didn’t make, the fact that I had next to no desire to go buy bread and even less of a desire to make the damn chocolate zucchini muffins.
I wasn’t crying because we were out of bread. I was crying because sometimes I feel anxiety wash over me in a very real, very suffocating way. I was crying because I know how it feels when stress manifests physically and I didn’t want to have to feel it again. I was crying because I just really needed to feel the sadness for a second.
So what did I do? I did what I had to do. I went to the store to get bread. By the time I got back home, I felt like I was going to throw up. Nothing bad had even happened.
I don’t have the answer, and I’m not looking for one. This post isn’t about pity or advice or self-loathing. This post is me telling you that feeling less than great about yourself, about your responsibilities, about your purpose, about everything, is extremely normal. I really do believe that it’s important to let yourself feel sad, even if it seems like there’s nothing to be upset about. You have every right to feel it.
I don’t know the best way to deal with stress and anxiety. If I did, I’d write about it! I know it helps me to talk to the people I love. I also know that being productive, even though it’s the last thing I want to do when I’m having anxiety, always puts me more at ease. To be honest, I know I’m the kind of person that would feel anxious no matter what. It’s not just because I’m busy. We’re all busy. I’ve heard “I don’t know how you do it all” or “you should really take time for yourself.” But neither Alchemy nor Hummusapien is going away. And I do take time for myself. That’s not always the answer.
Sometimes you have to accept that the things that matter most in life are tough. Really, really tough. Your job(s), your relationships, your sense of confidence and stability. Maybe it’s more about finding the best way to deal with it (and it’s different for everyone) rather than jumping to the conclusion that something’s gotta give. Because I’m just not ready to give anything up. That can’t be the answer for me.
I wasn’t planning on talking about this. I swear I had every intention to post muffins and say something funny about zucchini. But I love this space and I love you and I’m honest with the people I love. I guess my purpose in writing this is to be real and to make everyone who gets like this at one time or another feel a little less alone. I know what it feels like to be trapped by the things and people you’re supposed to love.
So I’m not really proposing a question or looking for an answer today. I’m just having an open conversation with you all about how tough it can be to feel low when you should feel high.
I’m so lucky to have this space as my creative outlet and I so appreciate you stopping by even when my life is far less exciting than Flourless Peanut Butter Zucchini Brownies. Let’s all be glad that today is a new day. I know there are many more brownies around the corner!
This is why I love your blog! I feel like you try really hard to be honest with your readers and not gloss over the challenging parts of life. Thank you for this post.
As much as I hate to hear that you’re having a hard time, I also appreciate when you open up about what’s going on with you. I totally get how you feel. In fact, suffocating is the PERFECT word to describe it. I never feel like it’s okay to just rest. It’s like there always something I need to be doing and if I don’t, the guilt starts to set in. But that’s not how it should be. We all need that down time to recharge our batteries. If muffins don’t get made then so be it. Life will go on and they’ll get made another day. In the meantime you have to let yourself enjoy the moment because life is way too short. And the internet ain’t going nowhere. 😉 xo
Relating so hard… “Maybe when I have less to do, I’ll be less stressed…” and then womp womp, still stressed. Keep doin’ what you’re doing and thanks for posting!
I’m so glad that you posted this because I’ve been dealing with these exact feelings for the past week. The nagging feelings of stress and the anxiety and sadness that has come with it are so hard to shake. With trying to do a million things, it can really feel like you’re on a treadmill that just keeps getting faster and you can’t keep up. I think for us “do it all”, overachiever personalities, it can be really hard to let things go and accept that we can’t be everywhere or do everything. Thank you for being so real and raw, I support you and will be rooting for you.
xxMeah
Thank you for posting this! I have been feeling that way a lot recently too. Like, if someone puts one more thing on my plate, I may just scream. And sometimes “taking time for yourself” makes the anxiety worse because things just continue to pile up when you’re off doing that! You’re right – there’s no easy answer. Hope you start to feel better soon, though. Hang in there.
We do a LOT and yet somehow manage to give ourselves credit for “Not Very Much”. Wise words in your blog today.
Love from South FLorida! 🙂
Been there. Isn’t it funny how you can feel that way one day, and then the very next day you feel 100% motivated, productive, and like nothing can stop you? You have to experience the lows to appreciate the highs. Keep on keepin’ on.
This happens to everyone–I know it happens to me more than I care to admit. One small thing can set me into a flood of tears, but mostly I just cry about being stressed and trying to figure out how to manage it. Going on a walk helps, but I also agree that allowing yourself that moment to cry and to feel your feelings and to just BE (be sad, be annoyed be…anything!), is more than ok.
When we have so much going on every little mishap just seems like the greatest eruption :/
I can definitely relate to how you are feeling. I struggle with having a good balance between work and personal life. In my free time I want to devote all my time to my blog, but that leaves little time for myself. It is hard to just let go because I always have that feeling in the back of my head that I should be working. You are crushing it though and it is okay to not post the recipe you have planned. We will be here whether it is fruit kabobs or zucchini brownies!
If I lived near Alchemy, I would work for you in a heart beat!
This happens to me a lot too. We all crumble under stressful situations and it’s refreshing to hear someone else is honest and open about it too! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Aweeee I completely understand your feelings. I have felt the same way lately. I have a baby at home, so never get much done during the week for the blog since I’m home alone with her and she takes up 99.9% of my time haha. I always say I’ll work on my blog all weekend, but then never get to half the things on my list… However, it’s important to take a step back and enjoy life (like your day of getting coffee and making pancakes). That’s what you’ll really remember when your older. I hope today is a better day xoxoxox
Thanks for this post — it was way better than those muffins would have been anyway! 🙂
You know my thoughts.
🙂
i will take real life talk over muffins any day. i go through similar anxieties and just stress for little things too…i clean like a maniac when im stressed, i guess thats my way of dealing with it. im in grad school (which i hate but want to get it over with) and with a demanding job, some days i want to shut everything behind..except that i dont and just keep moving. on a different note, im going on a staycation next week because after almost working for 4 years now, i have never really taken a day off for myself (not coz of planned vacation, appointment, sick leave) but just a day truly dedicated to all things dixya loves 🙂 im really looking forward to it. it sucks to have to go through anxiety/stress but in a way its cathartic and totally normal. if you ever need to vent/chat/rant – hit me up 🙂