Yesterday was a very, very weird day.
I planned on getting a lot done this weekend, like always. Then those blessed two days roll around and guess what the last thing I feel like doing is? Working!
But we did get a lot done. It might not have been what was written on my to-do list, but we definitely did a lot of fun stuff. And isn’t that what we’re supposed to be doing? We walked to the coffee shop. We made pancakes. We went to the pool. We ate tons of ice cream straight out of the carton. We walked around Com Fest. We made Fiajita Tofu Kebabs. I got new tennis shoes. I had everything to be happy about!
I thought I’d make a new recipe for today’s blog post. Some really delish chocolate zucchini muffins. I had a plan to make Glowing Spiced Lentil Soup, a new veggie burger, fruit kebabs for Thursday’s post, and maaaaaybe squeeze in the My Fitness Pal article I have due Wednesday. Then I got a call from Alchemy saying we were about to be out of bread and frozen bananas.
It wasn’t a big deal. I’ve gotten that same call many times before. It was very fixable.
But I lost it.
I started to cry. I covered my eyes and wrapped my arms around my knees and started to go on and on about needing to hire people, adjusting the schedule, second locations, all the cleanses being picked up this week, the blog posts due next week, the muffins I didn’t make, the fact that I had next to no desire to go buy bread and even less of a desire to make the damn chocolate zucchini muffins.
I wasn’t crying because we were out of bread. I was crying because sometimes I feel anxiety wash over me in a very real, very suffocating way. I was crying because I know how it feels when stress manifests physically and I didn’t want to have to feel it again. I was crying because I just really needed to feel the sadness for a second.
So what did I do? I did what I had to do. I went to the store to get bread. By the time I got back home, I felt like I was going to throw up. Nothing bad had even happened.
I don’t have the answer, and I’m not looking for one. This post isn’t about pity or advice or self-loathing. This post is me telling you that feeling less than great about yourself, about your responsibilities, about your purpose, about everything, is extremely normal. I really do believe that it’s important to let yourself feel sad, even if it seems like there’s nothing to be upset about. You have every right to feel it.
I don’t know the best way to deal with stress and anxiety. If I did, I’d write about it! I know it helps me to talk to the people I love. I also know that being productive, even though it’s the last thing I want to do when I’m having anxiety, always puts me more at ease. To be honest, I know I’m the kind of person that would feel anxious no matter what. It’s not just because I’m busy. We’re all busy. I’ve heard “I don’t know how you do it all” or “you should really take time for yourself.” But neither Alchemy nor Hummusapien is going away. And I do take time for myself. That’s not always the answer.
Sometimes you have to accept that the things that matter most in life are tough. Really, really tough. Your job(s), your relationships, your sense of confidence and stability. Maybe it’s more about finding the best way to deal with it (and it’s different for everyone) rather than jumping to the conclusion that something’s gotta give. Because I’m just not ready to give anything up. That can’t be the answer for me.
I wasn’t planning on talking about this. I swear I had every intention to post muffins and say something funny about zucchini. But I love this space and I love you and I’m honest with the people I love. I guess my purpose in writing this is to be real and to make everyone who gets like this at one time or another feel a little less alone. I know what it feels like to be trapped by the things and people you’re supposed to love.
So I’m not really proposing a question or looking for an answer today. I’m just having an open conversation with you all about how tough it can be to feel low when you should feel high.
I’m so lucky to have this space as my creative outlet and I so appreciate you stopping by even when my life is far less exciting than Flourless Peanut Butter Zucchini Brownies. Let’s all be glad that today is a new day. I know there are many more brownies around the corner!