Or better yet, how becoming the eater I want to be made me a better person, girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, dietitian, and blogger. I’m finally living for me. And as I explained in my last post, that sense of confidence and intuition has had the most delicious way of overflowing into all other aspects of my life.
This post means so much to me. I woke up writing it in my head, each bullet point effortlessly playing out in the weirdly perfect way that my brain is known to do. The weather was gorgeous– that summer warmth that’s not too warm with a gentle breeze. So instead of driving, I walked to the coffee shop, soaked in the sun, ordered my favorite bakery-style blueberry streusel muffin and an iced coffee, and started putting on the page the story my inner-self had already so eloquently written.
I never really talked in detail about my gradual transition from focusing on super clean, plant-based eating to intuitive eating and food freedom because in all honestly, I didn’t want to make it a thing. I didn’t want my story to be misinterpreted as banishing certain diets. I didn’t want to position myself against anything really, but rather for food freedom and exercising the individual right we all have to never stop exploring. That looks really different for everyone. What I do isn’t necessarily what you should do. We’re all so vastly differently so it’s no surprise that our diets are, too. This transformation is mine. It’s the most sacred part of my journey yet and I cherish that. I didn’t and still don’t want other people’s judgments to stain these precious pages.
But it’s also yours, because nothing brings me greater joy than that of inspiring others. I pride myself on my healthy sense of skepticism. I don’t ever do or write anything without my whole heart. So with my whole heart, I want to rewind with you. I want you to fully understand where I was so you can grasp how and why I got to where I am today.
I became super passionate (read: obsessive) about plant-based diets my second year of college after traveling to Israel, reading Skinny Bitch, watching “Forks Over Knives,” and doing all the things that I’m sure many of you reading this now have done. To say I was inspired would be an extreme understatement. It was like a new religion. It changed my entire life. Looking back now, a lot of what I watched and read was super fear-mongering.
I went vegan for a year. I fell head over heels in love with the idea of preventing and reversing chronic disease with plants. It was never about calories or weight or macros for me. It didn’t stem from a place of restriction. But nonetheless, my diet was pretty restricted.
A year passed and I was craving eggs in the morning and cheese on my 2am pizza like any college student does. I introduced eggs and fish back into my diet. Again, I didn’t make it a thing. It was my thing. Instagram didn’t even exist yet. Can you imagine?! Back then, my inspiration came from food blogs and then my own food blog, which I started in 2011 on the foundation of celebrating plants and the journey that took me there.
It was never my style to try to convert clients or friends or anyone to super healthy diets. When I became an RD, I counseled on clean eating, on being obsessive (I didn’t use that word but that’s what it was) about ingredients, on being crazy cognizant of every word on every nutrition label. The “About” section of my blog literally used to say that I was a label detective. Man, I couldn’t delete that fast enough!
Now don’t get me wrong. Transparency is very important. I take pride in knowing what’s in my food and where it came from–to an extent. I eat local. We get a weekly CSA. I choose to uy certain foods organic. But there’s a fine line between supporting the local food system and not having cake at a birthday party because it has refined sugar. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other. So much of the time I spend with clients in giving them permission to flourish in that lovely gray area where it’s not one paleo protein pancake on Monday and a full on donut fest on Tuesday. We often live our lives in extremes, and extremes aren’t meant to last.
And let’s take this opportunity to set the record straight—I am not vegan. I am not gluten-free. I am not vegetarian. I am not ANYTHING, and that is enough. I don’t need to justify my diet by all-encompassing words and isolating phrases. I love plants. I would marry bread. I still gently advocate eating lots of plant-based goodies. That said, the muffin I’m eating right now is probably made with all the white flour and sugar and butter. And it’s a big ass muffin! A big ass muffin that’s feeding my soul.
I don’t eat to live. My life is about SO MUCH MORE than eating healthy food. Food does not have one purpose and one purpose only. It’s so much more than functional and medicinal. When I think of food as medicine, I think of it helping to heal. And it does! Apples and kale and lentils are the physical aspect of that. The fiber and phytonutrients help prevent and delay disease. But salted chocolate chip cookies with my best friend and pizza with my boyfriend feeds my soul and satisfies me in a way that kale simply cannot. And lucky for us, we don’t have to choose. A world exists where both can live in harmony.
I was living in extremes. But I didn’t have an extreme medical condition. I’m sure there are plenty of people that can be thrive that way, but it wasn’t working for me. I wanted more. I wanted to eat pizza with non-organic cheese like a normal person and not feel like some part of my conscience was going to come after me with a pitch fork. I wanted to find a balance, to be able to eat mostly plant-based because I genuinely am passionate about that cause, but also to have the freedom and confidence to eat whatever else I wanted whenever I wanted it without being judged by myself and others for breaking some stupid rules that didn’t exist.
I wholeheartedly believe that one can be plant-based and eat intuitively. I still eat that way for probably 75% of my meals because I want to. But when I wake up craving an egg and cheese sandwich, I honor that. And if you’re denying clear cravings and not honoring what your body wants, you should probably take a closer look at the rules you’re living by.
I tried a bite of Jeff’s steak the other night. I was staring at it and thinking, “am I not eating meat because I don’t want it or because some imaginary diet god is making me feel like I shouldn’t?” I thought that trying his steak would be the ultimate proof of intuitive eating. But guess what happened? I spit it out. It tasted disgusting to me. I used to love steak. Looks like things have changed!
Intuitive eating is honoring your body’s hunger and fullness cues while keeping in mind gentle nutrition. I’m not going to start eating steak that I don’t like to prove a point just like I’m not going to eat kale salads every day for lunch to prove a point. But I’m so proud of myself for at least trying it. Had I liked it, I would’ve started eating it again.
That release of pressure. Wowwwww. That, hands down, has been the best part of all of this. I used to be afraid that my readers/followers would leave me if I posted pictures of cheese. Or cinnamon rolls. Then I realized I’m not living for them. I’m living for me. I’m so glad to have you all on the ride, but I will never sacrifice my life and my sanity for food choices that protect a false image. The rebrand of this space, of myself as a person, of myself as a dietitian, was the best thing I ever did. It was totally unplanned. It was completely organic. It happened just like it should.
Diet culture is sooooo pervasive. It still boggles my mind. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear someone talking about dieting or negative body image or fat shaming in some way, shape or form. It’s like getting a new blue car and all the sudden all you see on the road is blue cars. Back when I was pretty much vegan, I wrote a satirical post called “5 Questions Not to Ask a Vegan.” I got a really rude comment from a reader a couple weeks ago that apparently has been deleted since. She said I should delete the post. She said I had no right to talk about what someone should or shouldn’t ask vegans since I’m far from being vegan and have no idea what a vegan needs.
Um, hello. It was news to me that I had to be vegan to talk about vegan diets. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t need to have a vagina to be a gynecologist. Your best friend doesn’t have to be in serious relationship to give you relationship advice. And rest assured that as a dietitian, it’s my job to be an expert on all diets, veganism included. Long story short, I’m more than ready to no longer be the subject of judgment that sadly happens so often in the diet community.
Speaking of this community, I hear a lot of people talking about advocating holistic health but it’s really not holistic at all. It’s about extending the obsession with all things healthy and natural into every area of life. I’m all for all natural sunscreen, but we’ve gotta draw a line somewhere. That word has been watered down to nothing. Holistic, to me, means honoring all the outliers as a regular part of life. It means thinking of food as more than sustenance and fuel. It’s a social experience, a precious ancient ritual, a joyous necessity to not solely sustain life, but to enjoy it.
You may think eating super duper clean all the time is extending your life, but I’m willing to bet the mental energy you waste on overanalyzing what and when and how you should eat is slicing off a lot more years than you realize. And is spending an hour a day micromanaging your diet or weighing food really worth it? What’s the point? I’d rather live a shorter, happier life than live till 100 with the sole purpose of eating only healthy food. What do you value? What is life truly about?
Remember that you can’t measure the joy you find in celebrating over good food with friends like you can measure the macros in the salad you ate at home alone after denying the invitation to eat out. Because it’s harder, because it’s impossible, to quantify the affect that honoring food freedom has on our mental well being, we underestimate its power.
Like I tell my clients, breaking up with dieting is like breaking up with a boyfriend. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll go back to him even though he treats you like crap. But eventually, you’ll get over it. You’ll meet someone else and wonder how you were ever with someone who made you so fiercely doubt your self-worth, who made you feel like you needed fixing. You’ll find food freedom and you’ll never look back. Now I want to tell you a few things I did that helped me get to the mindset I’m at today.
I stopped weighing myself. I threw the scale in the trash. And besides the physical act of stepping on the scale, I stopped wanting to weigh myself. That was huge! My self-worth is not up to the scale.
I stopped trying to fit into clothes from other seasons of life. When I was eating really clean all the time, I wasn’t at my natural set weight. Clothes fit me differently. I was bonier. I would’ve never eaten an entire coffee shop pastry myself for breakfast without freaking out that it didn’t have a fruit or vegetable. I wouldn’t have looked past the salads I wasn’t craving and ordered fried arancini as an appetizer like we did this past weekend. I don’t try on my old jean skirt and yearn to be smaller. I throw away the things that don’t fit and I wear clothes that are comfortable and that make me feel good. It’s so freeing!
I embraced not finishing things. I used to be the person that could never leave a bite of food on the plate and now it’s so clear why. Eating something deeply, deeply satisfying used to be an anomaly; so of course I always had to finish every bite. Absence makes the heart grow fonder! We want what we can’t have. When I started eating things on a consistent basis that didn’t used to make regular appearances, I could actually listen to my fullness cues and stop eating, even if there was food still on the plate. I knew it wasn’t the last time I’d let myself enjoy it.
I started letting my boyfriend make food decisions. He has always been such a natural with intuitive eating, as a lot of men are. It used to always be me choosing where we eat out because I was so picky. I wanted to be in control. Dieting is about control. “Oh, they won’t have anything for me there.” Now he picks and I say, “sounds great!”
I released the rules. I started eating dairy (gasp) like yogurt just to prove to myself that I actually enjoy it, because I do. At first it hurt my stomach because my gut bacteria weren’t used to it, and now I feel totally fine when I eat it! Nothing is off limits. I make my food choices, not anyone else.
I paid close attention to how I felt when I was eating. The mind body connection is so huge. We can actually affect how we metabolize food and absorb nutrients just by the mentality we have when eating it. Think about actually enjoying ice cream without any guilt whatsoever, without thinking about how you’re going to adjust your gym routine tomorrow to compensate. The beauty!
I released exercise judgement and the all or nothing mentality. I’m at a place now where I move when I want to move. I had a cold and didn’t work out for a week and a half. I honored my body and felt no repercussions whereas before I’d feel required to over-exert myself the next week at the gym.
I surrounded myself with like-minded people and media. They say you’re the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. I filled my life with inspiring non-diet people like Simi, Robyn, Kylie, Alex, Anne, Kara, Rachel, and so many others. Same goes with social media. I did a mass unfollowing of people who I didn’t jive with anymore. Ignorance is sometimes bliss, especially in this case. Out of sight, out of mind.
I stopped contributing to diet culture. I began to realize first hand how often friends and strangers say “You look so skinny,” “I feel so fat,” “I was so bad this weekend, “That’s my weakness,” and “I need to eat salad all week.” Sometimes I wouldn’t respond at all. Other times I’d change the subject. I want no part in fueling that fire.
I stopped the overcompensation. I stopped telling myself I wanted something super duper healthy Monday morning just to make up for a weekend of ample eating and drinking. And I started eating out more! Sometimes we need to break from the rigidity of routine. If eating the same thing every day is your safety net (maybe because you know exactly what’s in it, including the calorie count), challenge yourself to eat out!
I wholeheartedly immersed myself in non-diet culture media by reading and listening to everything I could get my hands on. I send all my clients a document called “Happy Eating Resources” which includes links to books like Intuitive Eating, Body Kindness, Health at Every Size, Mastering Your Inner Mean Girl, Start Where You Are, and podcasts like Food Psyche to listen to while they walk throughout the day. I love this episode on the religion of dieting—so eye opening!
Don’t let life pass you by for all the wrong reasons. Eat like no one’s watching!
I love this! Thank you for being another positive voice out there speaking truth instead of diet lies. I too am finding so much freedom in eating and living intuitively. Looking forward to following along as you journey through this!
I loved this! I wish I could share a meal with a rational, balanced person like you. I tried to do vegan Meetup groups, but people took extreme positions. Looking at photos of animals being abused does not do anything for the animal and ruins my meal. So many of the hard-core vegans will actually say/write online that they could care less about eating healthy—“I’m in it for the animals.” How is it mutually exclusive to care about animals and also care about your own health? Are we not animals? Can’t we help animals more if we elevate our mental and physical health? And I do that by enjoying my meals, not looking at gruesome photos. And by eating healthfully, with some wiggle room for fun.
Then the issues with the whole food plant based crowd. As I said on one of my posts to you, I now understand that I can’t have a raw cheesecake with a cup of coconut oil. But a cookie that uses 1/16th of a tablespoon of oil? Is that really going to adversely affect my health? Or some gluten? Or some sugar?
When I attended a Meetup group potluck where a raw food vegan bragged that he never drinks any liquids because he eats 10 pounds of produce a day, I knew I was done with trying to relate to someone like this. I truly believe in orthexia, a mental illness where people are obsessed with healthy eating.
I’ll continue to enjoy my 98% pure WFPB diet, with a chocolate chip cookie at night just to top things off!
As always, thanks for your unique articulate insights as well as your fabulous recipes!
yes to ALL of this!!
It frustrates me that you’re classifying veganism as an eating disorder or a diet caused by fear mongering. It is a belief and a desire for a paradigm shift. The only reason we eat animal products is because of culture and tradition, not because we NEED them for health. B12 is from bacteria which we produce in our own guts just as the animals we eat do. However, our modern food and health practices have destroyed those bacteria and our ability to produce them properly. This might explain why many people who eat meat are deficient in B12.
If you’re vegan or plant-based for the animals and the planet, not just your own health, then you do it out of passion. Something you believe in so deeply that you can’t stand the thought of eating dairy because it means having a baby cow ripped from it’s mother. Not because you are worried it will make your ass fat or cause breast cancer. You can’t stomach the thought of the pain that animal went through just so you can Instagram a picture of your triple layer ice cream cone.
Thankfully there are so many awesome vegan food options out there now that you don’t have to feel restricted, unless you surround yourself with people who don’t feel the same way as you and eat out accordingly. Then it becomes a challenge. A challenge that many will cave into because they don’t like standing out from the crowd.
Nothing will ever change unless we demand it changes. It’s about standing up for something bigger than yourself which is hard for a lot of today’s basic millennial bitches to comprehend.
So timely in my life right now. I just watched Forks over Knives and another equally guilt-tripping documentary called Food Choices this week. While they both opened my eyes and I learned so much, I’ve spent the last few days pretty anxious about all of it. I’ve always been an intuitive eater and I don’t want that to go away! Thank you!
This post is wonderful. Thank you for sharing and inspiring others to live and eat with joy! I’m so proud to have you as part of my RD tribe! xoxo
I have never, ever commented on a public forum before, and I have so much that I could say after reading this, but really, I will sum it up with: ALL. THE. PRAISE HANDS. For all of it. Every single word. Thank you for being so real and inspiring. Between you, Robyn, and Kylie, my own disordered thoughts revolving around food and exercise (that I have struggled with for years, but only recently would admit that I had a problem with) are beginning to disappear. It’s slow and I’m still learning, but I am finding the freedom and life-giving happiness that I’ve craved, but of course been to scared to embrace. It’s refreshing; now, I am SO aware of how warped our society is when it comes to diet, food, exercise. And like you, Italy was one of my biggest wake up calls. So much freedom and happiness there. And not one worry over a little extra fluff. Thank you for what you do!
LOVE. THIS!!!!!
SO TRUE!! So so so so so true. Thanks for putting this out there!!!
I also feel so much less restricted this past year. Life honestly just became too damn busy between starting grad school and finishing planning my wedding that I just stopped caring so much about calories and running every day– life was exhausting enough! I started going with the flow, going out more, saying yes to a second (third…fourth…you know those nights!) glass of wine. YES to creamer in my coffee because it tastes good! Don’t even get me started on measuring peanut butter, the essence of life.
Love your dialogue with yourself. You go girl. Thanks for this!
Elizabeth, I just wanted to say that I am totally with you on the grad school/wedding planning life! I just come home and crash these days instead of working out. And I get takeout instead of cooking because I’m EXHAUSTED. And that’s ok!!! And I remember the days of measuring tablespoons of peanut butter, LOL. I don’t think I could ever be that person again!
– Sarah
You got this, Sarah!! We got married in December and it slows down a little– you’ll get there! I think we ate takeout in November/December like 4 or 5 times a week hahaha. Best of luck!!!
Amen, sister! I get so sad when I hear that people skip invitations to go out to parties or bring their own food, just in order to stay healthy. We have to draw the line somewhere. Like you said, where will this “clean obsession” end? Thank you for this inspiring and thoughtful post, Alex! 🙂
You are amazing!???
YESSSSSS! I love the grace with which you can look back on your past self and see and admit where you took diet/vegan/whatever too far. It’s hard enough not letting the world pressure us, but not letting the identity we’ve created for ourselves pressure us is huge too. Because that’s probably going to change a zillion and one times, and self judgment doesn’t do anyone any favors. Having recently let go of vegan myself, I absolutely relate to the initial fears but even moreso to looking back and wondering how and why I ever let those rules get in between me and my intuition. You are even more awesome than big ass muffins <3
So beautiful and so inspiring. I loved your personal story and the steps you took to get there.
I am currently trying to break free from the rules, the macros, the obsession. It is NOT an easy process, and I thank you for being a light and a wonderful resource for intuitive eating and intuitive living. It’s just such a breath of fresh air, a sense of peace, knowing that if other women can free themselves from this, then I can, too. Thank you for being an inspiration to me and so many others!
Thank you for writing this. It’s a breath of fresh air in this fad-diet culture that we’re in. The concept of food freedom and intuitive , balanced eating has become so foreign as people limit themselves to these arbitrary and self-imposed food rules.
This is SUCH an amazing post and I am just blown away by your insight. I, too, have recently been on this same journey and it is so inspiring to hear others who are transitioning, as well. I absolutely can relate to the “freedom” you are now feeling with wearing clothes that ACTUALLY fit the body you have in this season of life. We are NOT MEANT to be one size and one weight our entire lives, so it MAKES SENSE that we would need to adjust our wardrobes and our expectations as we go through different seasons. This is so beautifully written and I am truly inspired by all the body positive and haes messages I’ve been reading lately from your blog and others. I really believe we are on the verge of a changing tide!
LOVE this post! It really spoke to me and makes me want to change my eating habits. I’ve been tracking macros for over a year now and I want so badly to be able to eat intuitively. I’ve gotten better about listening to my body but it’s so scary to me to not know how much sugar I’m eating or if I’m eating enough protein to build muscle or if I’m eating too many carbs, etc. It’s so ridiculous but I was so out of touch with my body for so long because I deprived it for so long. Now I feel like it doesn’t know how to function on it’s own without my brain obsessing about it! I’m going on vacation with family next week and this post has inspired me to try to be more carefree and not track every single meal. You’re right, obsessing about it just takes years off my life. If I’m making healthy food choices then not tracking it is much healthier than obsessing over it!
OMG this is totally me as well.Right now i just deleted my fitness pal
All of this is so spot on!! I ate more vegetarian/flexitarian in the past but over time I simply shifted to more meat/eggs than I used to consume. It wasn’t a conscious choice, just life! I moved in with my now husband, and of course we both changed our eating some thanks to the other. I don’t label myself, I just eat what appeals to me! Even still, people try to define me, figure out my eating, pick me apart because of my appearance and work as an RD. This post resonates very much with me, and I want to commend and thank you for sharing. You are amazing, and I appreciate your voice of reason, logic, and fight for IE and body positivity.